I’m an AMERICAN and I demand that the red, crunchy food filled with gluten and animal products be removed from my sight immediately, or I will call corporate headquarters in Florida and have you fired! Also, get me some free sunscreen.

See your friends apparently lack that one quality that sets this crew apart - this is a group of assholes.

Just sitting here having my *delicious* protein and fruit smootie.... sigh...

“We hated Disneyland. The lines were long, the weather was too hot and we never saw Mickey once! We want our $500 back!”

Truth. I can only imagine the hell that woman lives in.

Geez, that’s taking this kind of behavior to a Munchausen by Proxy level. “You need to eat the way I say, because regular food is making you sick!” *people eat crazy food, get sick* “See, I told you, you’re all sick! My family is incredibly sick, you should all be very sorry for me!”

So, Trump Tower is... a giant fart penis? Seems right.

If you go with someone old enough or with any kind of disability, the wheelchair is the way to go. Front of the line!

I feel your pain. I recently... got out of the non profit biz. Everywhere I worked either viewed the clients as mooching scumbags who deserved their lot in life, or perfect angels such that even saying that they got on one’s nerves sometimes was anathema. Why can’t we all just agree that people are annoying, no matter…

Maybe not in so many words, but teenage girls represent a threat to middle-aged suburban housewives. Husbands of such women have been known to trade in for a newer model, so to speak. It’s clearly not their great personalities that landed them the cushy housewife gig.

I hear yakkity sax playing, while I simultaneously applaud your actions.

Yeah, I second that. Also, what the hell? Restaurants run out of stuff that’s on the menu all the time. Waiting 15 minutes for a damn milkshake at 10:00am is an asshole first-world problem. “Sorry, there’s a wait for that,” is apparently the worst thing one can be told because we’re all three year olds who need…

Library staff get a lot of crap. It’s basically daycare for unoccupied adults. I once got harassed by a woman because she had accrued about 30 cents worth of fines by turning in a pile of books one day late, and the system would only tell me that the fines were accrued via the main library. Since we were a branch, I…

Absolutely horrific. I can’t imagine being violated in such a vulnerable position as that. I’m amazed that you responded the way you did.

This is entirely on point, but Alton does know his food science and offers very solid information for people to enjoy at home. I enjoy Uncle Tony as much as any red-blooded woman with a hot streak for charming assholes, but his “punk grandpa” persona is starting to wear a little thin. When I want to know how to cook…

Interesting. I saw some at Home Goods, I wonder where the cutoff is for getting these without poisoning someone?

Yeah, it’s definitely a downside. Now, if you happen to be married to a bisexual woman like me, who sometimes arranges for threesomes with special lady friends, that helps to balance it out.

Beat me to it! Either that or a bunch of linguists sit around and just yell random words at her.

This is totally the best part of working in human services. One time at our recovery center we threw a Halloween dance party with an actual DJ who volunteered his time. Tons of snacks, everyone dressed up, and our coworker masterminded the decorations like a boss. One of the attendees hugged me afterwards and said…

Sweet. Also, vagisil works great on bug bites.