So you’re the guy who kept me from ever being able to find one of those that didn’t have 150,000 miles on it. Jerk.

You should have had a hatchback with folding seats.

I bet he hides behind the “I’m old and and can’t change” defense a lot but he didn’t learn that riff about “Africans being at war with each other and so slavery” from his ancient schooling, slavery apologists hadn’t yet slipped that one into those textbooks that only seem to turn up in the South for some reason; so, I…

Near my old high school there was a garage that serviced luxury vehicles. It used one of these to open the door so rich old people wouldn’t have to get out of their car. Students would drive up the ramp to trigger it, and then speed away.

One of our local newsmen takes face makeup to the next level but he skips his hands.

What I appreciate about a joke like this is that it shows how self aware he and his team are. Self awareness is a good thing.

I think the thing that bothers me so much about that car is whenever I look at it my brain tries to reconcile what it likes about it with the fact that it’s holistically unlikable.

It’s almost Lovecraftian in its grotesque approximation of what a car should look like. Something fashioned out of non-Euclidean geometry…

That whole car is like the opposite of “greater than the sum of its parts.” or like a less satirical Powell Motors Homer.

100%.

Even Boris’s dad thinks he’s a piece of shit but he only ever says it in the most oblique, English ways possible.

As much as I love the Dead Milkmen, it’s pretty depressing that 30-year-old song sounds like it could be about today.

Give the dog a bone...

Since he missed the best and possibly only opportunity to bring it up, I’m going to make this recommendation, which, strangely, I don’t see mentioned anywhere:

Yes, he directed episodes of Zoey 101.

When he tries to do “the claw”....

Dear Taylor Swift,

You presumably need to carry your tool pouch with you. These people don’t need to carry their guns. They think they do, but the fact that this happens on a regular basis is pretty much a testament to how unnecessary guns are to these people.

I’m not saying you could have predicted that he would even have a chance at it, or that you’d know your favorite beer would directly contribute to the campaign at a later time. Not at all. I’m just saying it’s always been shitty beer and nobody ever wants to admit it, even after that episode.

There’s a thing for that.