It’s probably in your best interest to keep these incredibly outrageous, totally implausible conspiracy theories to yourself. Because they are in no way accurate and not actually true, at all.

She probably created this map. It’s probably some nefarious map that secretly directs cats all over the world to arms depots and nuclear silos while the rest of us are distracted by Taylor Swift (owned by a cat mind you) and Donald Trump (I suspect that thing on his head is a cat controlling him, like in Men In Black…

I already have a feline overlord. So is it really going to change?

To all the people saying that various BCO stories are too out of control to have actually happened, I give you this.

“Most people don’t find the things me and my friends do very funny, just immature, so I didn’t expect to get this big of a reaction”

So you’re sick of hearing female artists whine about their past abuse? Then join our fight to end the abuse. Volunteer at a rape crisis center. Start an abuse education program at a local school. Be alert to instances of abuse that are going on around you, and do something about it. It’s only when we stop the abuse…

Pay no attention to what everyone who knows you says, you ARE a compassionate person. And a real sweetheart.

Ok fine THIS made me cry.

I did not do the dishes or laundry today. I am expecting a blogger to contact me any day now.

Just think about what your life would have had to have been like up to this point where accepting a marriage proposal from this person would be a viable option.

This is an insult to Buffalo Bill, who I would fuck before Bieber. *files under things I never thought I’d say*

Last weekend, Baby Ruth was crawling around on the floor of a BBQ joint (think: communal tables, concrete floors). Several people schooled me - “the floor is so DIRTY!”

Well...I guess that’s one way of telling your folks that you don’t want that job in accounting...

My vagina just shriveled up a died. Farewell sex drive! I’ll miss you.

I worked on a show with children cast members and the most anxiety-inducing part of my day was opening the mail. So many creepy men in and out of jail sending the weirdest letters and requests directly to the kids.

If it was this one, I hope he takes a moment to savor the irony.

There are people out there that will believe this shit. We should find these people and beat them with plastic bats.

OK, here’s a major pet peeve of mine; Hillary, you can do better.

I took NO outside investment and just relied fully on withholding my employee’s compensation and asking my Dad for money