Forreal. I am about to get the “forever alone” meme tattooed on my neck. Three solitary meals a day (if the two at my desk count) with a side of zero fucks. And Ranch.

You missed the fourth film! They had tornadoes crashing into gun stores, which armed the tornadoes and made them even more dangerous. Then the tornadoes went over a shark exhibit so then they were not only firing off bullets but live sharks! And guess what was right next to the shark exhibit? That’s right, the piranha…

Is this much of a surprise? Gerard Butler is basically more Nicolas Cage than Nicolas Cage at this point. I see his name in the preview and I don’t even consider seeing the film.

It happened to me, many a year ago. I was serving an American couple and got to chatting with them, they told me that with my customer service skills and education I could make sooooooo much more money in the States. Which...was nice, I guess? They meant to compliment me? Then they left a shitty tip and went their…

Dirtbag Einstein: “I’m going to leave this stack of twenty notes of advice on the table, and every time you mess something up, I’m going to take one note of advice away.”

I can’t tell if that’s better or worse than the teacher who told me not to smile because she didn’t like my teeth and later my braces.

You should incorporate this when someone states that.

Makes sense. when I’m depressed and crying in front of the mirror the thing I want most is to be erased from existence.

It’s a really cool house and Sarah Winchester was a really innovative, kooky, sad, and secretive lady. I personally don’t think the house is haunted at all, but a few the groundskeepers and maintenance guys swear they’ve seen things. The basement is supposed to be pretty active with the ghost of one of her workers and…

I want to know all of the things you know. Tell me the things!

You could have made it! Sarah had terrible arthritis, so next to each staircase is another staircase with tiny little steps (approximately three to every one) built especially for her.

Spiderwebs and the number 13 EVERYWHERE...what’s not to love?

I was a tour guide at the Winchester House and I don’t know how I feel about this. (But the staff all generally agreed she was some mix of batty + very bad architect)  

I can’t wait to see this!!

Seeing Peanuts! @8:26

When I broke up with my ex, my friends bought me the ‘I Like You’ Amy Sedaris cookbook so I know that those are called “Seeing Peanuts” and they have been a staple of various friend’s house parties going on almost a decade.

Hey! I also have a cat named Bernard! It’s such a good name for nicknames. Bernie, Bern, Burner, Burn Ward, Mr. Berns, Bernabus, Bernardo....it’s so fun