I wish she’d just change her name to Kardashian and be done with it.

It was her guest appearance on Secret Life of the American Teenager back when she was an ‘abstinence spokesperson’ in between the two times she got knocked up.

He cheated on Uma with the nanny, who he later married. There you go.

YES, now I remember!

I am and that’s true. Also I never would have survived childhood in an undeveloped part of the world. Not just my Western privilege, but my very existence, all down to the sheer chance of having turned up here at birth.

Fuck Ethan Hawke, man.

No one is thinking of Ethan Hawke.

To teach you how capitalism works.

God, our dads must know each other. My dad was into torture too though. Like before he destroyed everyone he would turn us all against each other by making deals that would completely ruin one of us and we would blame the other for doing it in the first place. UGH, WHY.

He wasn’t always a hot piece of ass.

My favorite is when men try to encourage me to smile. It’s not patronizing or galling at all.

Madonna remains thirstier than a marathoner in 100-degree weather.

@Gabby Sidibe: My wife was taken out with forceps after her mother was in labor for 7 days. (The hospital, in the USSR, made my MIL sign a waiver of liability if her child was stillborn.) As a result she’s been accused of RBF because there’s a dent in her forehead that makes her eyebrows point slightly down. Plus,…

@Chris: How DARE you not include the headshot? Or did Mystery Date get exclusive rights to it?

Does anyone know a Pakistani that Damon could explain this to?

How does Matt Damon feel about this potential casting?

I want Rami Malek somehow involved in this.

Loved him as The Turk in Da Vinci’s Demons. Never has guyliner looked so good.

DiCaprio is terrible in everything. Full stop. However, he might be ok in the Johnny Depp biopic. I think he could really immerse himself in the role of entitled, overrated shitbird.

Excuse me: here is my man your man!