It’s okay. My wife won’t let our cat wear a Serena Williams suit, either.

Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

Here’s the explanation: this is not our history, but the history of a universe in which they did have racially integrated units. And zombies.

My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

Obligatory:

MAMA MIA! THAT’S A PRICEY MEATBALL!

“Hey, here’s a topic literally everyone is talking about and being asked about at the moment, what are your thoughts on it?”

Coldstone.

Nuclear Winter isn’t, unfortunately, a binary condition, like Pregnancy or Life & Death. It’s a huge spectrum. A limited scale exchange could cause significant cooling regionally or hemispherically. The cooling could be a few degrees or many, and it could last one, ten, or a hundred years.

Don’t the Mets choke enough without having to call on Daddy?

I’m really feeling the cheese idea. I say we do a few of them!

That gator saved a future brilliant surgeon (who hopefully will not then become a delusional secretary of Housing and Urban Development)!

HOW DID THE KID KNOW TO DO CPR

Mike was like “Good gracious, pasta so tasteless”

“Heart-Shaped Pizza” was the best Pearl Jam song. RIP Curt.

alternate headline:

Idiot clicks on story and still reads it and comments. Sad!

In all fairness, nobody’s won with a floor routine that’s 50% thumb-dance since Nadia Comaneci in 1976

Counterpoint: There is no cognitive dissonance between A) recognizing that the electoral college is a wholly undemocratic way to choose a president; and B) understanding that the electoral college is how we choose presidents, and therefore trying to work within that system to obtain a not-apocalyptic result.

“Ghost writer”!?! Dang it Ray, did you kill him too?