I will stick to whiskey.

Snowflakes gonna snowflake!

Finally some good news!

You will never recover.

Taking his unpopularity on tour!

Guess I’ll have to start eating meat again.

Correct

I did.

Neither Iowa, or anyone from Iowa, should matter as much as Iowa does for some unknown reason.

You are correct and I hate you.

I know I’m fat year round, not just in January. Find your own fat only in January gym.

Also, he doesn’t drink.

Also!  I have a sneaking suspicion they put that sign out specifically for you!

*Small violin plays for man who chose not to use a condom*

A D-List celebrity at a strip club in QUEENS!

Where does one get decent breakfast tacos in NYC?   I think you are a liar.  

Don’t let my boyfriend know or otherwise I can’t make fun of him at the dentist! That help?

I’ll bet he was sporting a Make Myself Relevant Again red hat while typing.

I had to look up what this is and apparently they did some sort of tribute to Daft Punk and now I am very upset.  Thank you for ruining my life.

Lena Dunham is insufferable