Yeah my MyFitness pal entries are more like fanfiction

When I lived in ohio it was that, plus “almost unconscious at a country concert” selfies.

John Boehner writes:

SCARVES

yo, a lilly dress with a nascar jacket over top, on a fat woman, sounds HELLA COOL

I have a dirty confession...I think these dresses are cute as shit. They remind me of the shifts Mia Farrow wore in Rosemary's Baby.

But alas, I am poor, fat, white trash. Maybe if I throw a NASCAR jacket over one of them?

Shapes > Macaroni

Don’t have to ask why—it’s because the cheese gets into all the holes and crevices of the “character” pasta. Spiderman is also good for the same reason! The only problem I have with those varieties of Kraft is that there is less in the box than the original variety.

I would really enjoy a regular follow up column to this one called “NAILED IT” where we all post pictures of our attempts. I’m sure mine for one would provide quite a bit of amusement.

I love detailed necklines like this! I’m surprised I haven't seen this yet on a bridal gown

Jeeves, my good boy, what is motorboating? Do you know of it?

Just give me the baby and the Steve Buschemi dog and we will all go live happily ever after far the fuck away from these garbage people.

What honeymoon? Forget sex.

The thing about Kim is that I was always under the impression that beneath the substances there was a genuinely sweet, but woefully fragile person. Over the course of this season I’ve observed her show that she is awful to the bone, both drunk and sober. Her behavior was so inexcusable, her tactics so dirty, her…

Who are all these folks who don’t have sex on their periods? I get fairly heavy periods and we kind of just power through, although I don’t have cramps or anything, and I imagine that would change things. I guess I just assumed if I got my period on our honeymoon we would just throw a towel down (a brown towel?) and…

You’re missing the part of the Trib article where it’s stated that the ex’s dad is a powerful business man in the area. Not saying there was an attempt to embarrass the deceased, but it is Cook County...

He’s just wiping his mouth to go down again, don’t worry.

I would fuck him so hard the rat tail would fall off. And I would fuck him so hard because I would want the rat tail to fall off. (Because then I could just fuck him normal.)

I would for money or for a story. In my youth, when I was drinking, i had sex with much more dubious partners. What are you guys anyway? Minor gentry?

AN EXTENSION RAT TAIL!