I’m going to go a different route. Kill Jeb Bush. He is the most likeable and has a greater shot of winning. Fuck Ted Cruz and then spill the sordid details to all the tabloids, ruining his career. Marry Rand Paul and cheat on him mercilessly with some government bureaucrat.

I would do a lot more than vote for Henry Cavill.

So you didn't break up with me? Just so we're clear...

I would say marry/fuck Aaron Schock but I .... don’t think he’s interested in marrying or fucking me.

Fuck me. Gay marry myself. Kill a bottle of vodka.

Okay, so after the bandages come off from the human centipede surgery (with Ted Cruz in the middle, of course), I stick them in a trailer, drive to City Hall and marry them. Boosh will have the veil, and chartreuse bridesmaid dresses for the other two. After the Quad Cities honeymoon—

From Lucy’s Twitter: I love the T.V show ‘ONE TREE HILL’ and I am totally in love with New York!!!!

Who do I sue for the emotional trauma I experience while I pay my rent every month?

Murder/suicide all three.

this is (admittedly) a weird response. But Frances McDormand. Anyone who gives so little of a fuck that she wears a Gap jean jacket to the Oscars must be fun.

Stansted... shudder.

Tried to type in “hoobastank” but it auto-corrected to “hobos stank.” Autocorrect for the win.

Octavia Spencer’s cranky book-signing meltdown reminds me of how I get when I have to go to work with a hangover.

One time when I was outside of a Cheesecake Factory smoking a cigarette a man propositioned me thinking I was a hooker.

(To the tune of "Star Spangled Banner")

Oooooh, those assholes in the last one. I want to slap them.

This, THIS is what a normal, sane person is talking about when they're saying that a business can and sometimes should refuse someone service. The utterly insane assholes who start off treating the staff like slaves and go downhill from there. The POS who threatens their way into free stuff because they know a…

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know my cheddar biscuits will be free. And I won't forget the men who died, so I can bitch about automatic gratuity.

Me during the popcorn story