My best pickup wasn't even mine. It was my kid's.

1994, suburbs of Chicago, summer before my senior year of high school. I'm a sexually frustrated 17 year old gay boy and my parents have left me home alone so I'm having a party - nothing outrageous - with my friends. My 18 year old girl friend has brought the 20 year old dude she's screwing around with and he - in…

Me(at a bar, staring at a guy's basket of mozzarella sticks): "You gonna finish that?"

This might not make sense to some Americans or Canadians, but it is a big deal for a English girl - specifically one from Manchester. It is my dirtiest, most shameful secret, and one that made even my husband look at me with disgust.

Also, one time I got a guy to go home with me by saying we could make a sleeping fort. We did, which he promptly passed out in.

Newly single, I ran into this hot guy I was acquainted with at a bar after my band played a show. I was like "Hey, I know you. What's your name again?"

He told me his name and my next question was "Wanna go make out in your car?"

It was a glorious summer day in drawing class so we all went out to the historical cemetery on campus to sketch. I was wearing a red sundress and I decided that I really wanted to get the attention of this one guy I'd been checking out all term.

The parents of the girls have expressed "incredulity" today that Begum's public exchange with Mahmood on Twitter did not send up red-flags for the London authorities to get involved, given all their surveillance of the Arab community.

When I was seven, I also drew a man and woman, anatomically correct and naked and stabbed with knives with the simple caption "YOU." I left the sketch taped to my grandfather's front door. He had just died, and my parents were selling his house. The realtor came by with a prospective couple, while I stood next door…

When I was definitely old enough to know better, I was utterly convinced that my parents switched off with exact doubles (possibly evil, possibly vampires) every other time they picked me up from somewhere. It was clear in my mind that or town must have two sides with a copy of my house and neighborhood for my real…

Speaking of kids and underwear, when I was in kindergarten I had a HUGE crush on my older brother's best friend Sam, a sexy older man in the 4th grade. Every day after school, after Sam and my bro locked themselves in his bedroom to avoid me, I would slide my Little Mermaid panties, one by one, underneath the door. …

My parents didn't realize how creepy I was until I was about five and didn't have any friends and started writing depressing poetry about how I was going to kill myself. I had serious depression and anxiety issues even as a very young child, and was very unpopular. I was told by all of my teachers that I was too smart…

When I was in 2nd grade, my class made gingerbread cookies. The teachers orchestrated an elaborate ruse where they pretended the gingerbread cookies ran away. They left flour trails around the school, and wrote messages from the gingerbread cookies with chalk. Messages like "Run run as fast as you can, can't catch…

I (and my best friend, but it was my idea) dragged a wagonload of rocks from my gravel driveway around our neighborhood, selling them door to door. Because we were little (about four) and cute, we made like $5, which in 1975 was really good money for a preschooler.

When I was about six I used to smear myself with ketchup and lie on the sidewalk pretending to be dead anytime I saw any vultures flying around. My dastardly plan was to catch one and train it to catch and deliver to me the neighbors cute puppy I so desperately wanted.

That's awesome. I started reading when I was two, and my parents had these endangered species rummy cards that we would use as flash cards to expand my vocabulary. When I was three, we were at the zoo and people were oohing and aahing and talking about antelope and I corrected them by saying "those aren't antelope.…

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.

I used to do the Butt Parade, as my mom called it. Every time she got a phone call, I'd take off all my clothes and march around the house waving my diaper in the air. What can I say? I like to keep things classy. Also, pants suck

Around age 7 I was obsessed with Transformers. When my parents bought a Suburban I was convinced it was Optimus. I would lie down in the third row and talk to him. We were going to get married.