I have a feeling that Barack won’t need Luther for this one.

I refer to this co-worker as the “Woke Only During Lent Catholic”. These motherfuckers don’t give a shit about any religious event other than lent and they put that shit on you every day. “Well I’m observing Lent because...” These people are almost as bad as the “Born Again” co-worker.

It sounds like you’re an assistant with real title and authority to me. I think Michael was referring to those fake ass, non-titled, no real authority bitches who play like they’re in charge because they suck up enough that they feel entitled to shit on anybody under their boss and tattle on anybody that doesn’t give…

I used to work across the aisle from a dude who ate at least two raw carrots every. goddamned. day. And he didn’t know how to chew with his mouth closed. I’m all for carrots, carrots are fucking wonderful. But not in a cubicle in a giant open office when people are trying to work. Gah.

This makes me murderous. I have a coworker who is apparently allergic to food that doesn’t make noise when you eat it. One day all I heard was this for an hour: Rattle of plastic bag, followed by loud crunching noise, followed by sluuuuuurp of coffee, followed by smacking lips. Rattle rattle rattle crunch crunch…

One of my greatest accomplishments is getting the boy hooked on fresh ground black pepper.

Hey where you been?

no lie, I actually shamed a coworker for this. Like there is a special place in hell for people who microwave fish at work

I’ll go a step further: never date someone who has a garbage palette and refuses to try new things. It always translates into how they think about non-food things too.

I love taking these people out for Indian food.

YES. FEED ME YOUR TEARS :D I WILL ADD THEM TO MY KORMA :D

I dated someone who thought black pepper was too spicy, which is why I always say “there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who can’t cook, but NEVER date someone who can’t cook but THINKS they can.”

Nor as bad as the nitwit co-worker who must set the microwave at 30:00 and then promptly leaves the break room while the popcorn is popping in order to burn her daily pre-lunch bag of popcorn.

As the Boss-Boss now, you’re Assistant Bossing wrong. If it’s due on the 11th you need to change that due date to the 8th/9th at the latest to leave room for any fuckery on the 10th. Like a MF not getting it to you...until the 10th.

I keep 5 different spice grinders and two types of hot sauce in my desk drawer.

She is the sister of refuses to turn off “stupid computer sound effects”. Nobody over the age of 10 should want a computer that makes those dumbass “theme” noises every time they click on something or hit ‘enter’.

Or the coworker with a gazillion types of diet restrictions. I’m not talking the legit ones, but the latest fad ones because they just can’t admit they’ve had an eating disorder since jr high school.

No as bad as the coworker who thinks it’s ok to microwave leftover fish and the entire office stinks the rest of the day.

The co-worker who can’t figure out the microwave and consistently sets shit on fire.

11. The Eater
The slow chewing woman that has just moved into the cube behind me.

9:00 Bagel so toasted that it sounds like she is eating a giant crouton.
11:00 A hearts of romaine salad that is the size of a mixing bowl.
12:00 Warms up last nights smelly left overs
1:00 Walk
2:00 Finishes off the rest of giant salad
3:00…

What. The. Fuck.