Plus he only made $39 million playing professional football! Here comes the poorhouse!

“I wish it weren’t so”... well, huh? How could you possibly get out of that bind!? Also, “kids are under our roof only for a short time.” Do they literally sit there and read books out loud together? Christ. This clown needs “a community of discourse” to validate whether a book is worth reading? Good luck, pal. 

But look here. What we’re looking for, home skillet, is somebody who looks like Cicely Tyson and sings like Peabo Bryson, ya know?!

Strong use of “Old Harper.” A fine, esoteric Simpsons quote.

Literally my first thought upon seeing the photo. The equine was so close! Looked like a pretty good angle, too. One quick horse kick would have... made... Mike... Pence... President.

Won’t someone think of the 18-, 19-, and 20-year-olds!! Males!!... The White Males!!!... in Republic, Washington!!!! You know! Timmy and Tommy and Little Billy Sweetwater!?!? WHAT WILL THEY DO WITHOUT SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS?!?!?! Tell me.

The Washington REDSKINS would never taint their image by hiring a “kneeler”...

And someday, I don’t know, Smith & Wesson is going to end their buy-one-get-one-12% off deal at Denny’s for NRA members and how else are you supposed to blow up your Smith & Wesson’s?

It’s almost as if The Dunce has never voted himself...
I also like the line, “and that’s because of potentially illegal votes.” Just like I am married to Beyoncé because of my potentially legal marriage certificate!

Abolish ice!?! How will I keep my Rob Roy cold? That is wacky. 

You may remember Ivanka from amazing female empowerment TED Talks such as, Smoke Yourself Thin! and Get Some Self Confidence, Stupid!

Or how about a kid-sized Hitler costume... you know, on hand. 

“fellow superhero”:

Clearly this a new problem. My guess is these rookie NBA players are the first ones to think of this scheme. Damn millennials.

Look here, Russ Do That and Jon Gazpacho sound like a couple of hard cases. In the history of time, no man has actually admitted to “starting” a “bar fight.”

Played against Battier in high school (metro-Detroit private school hoops, baby! WHAT WHAT?!) and he was as tall, but weighed about 150 pounds less than his pro career. He dunked all over our squad but a stiff breeze would pass by and he’d hum like the reed of a Buescher saxophone.

The bigger the front, the bigger the back.

And what’s with the close-talker handshake? You know both they breath smell like hot bunion cheese. 

Haven’t any of these people seen Goodfellas?!?

I’ve given up hope, but I applaud your effort.