Now that you bring it up recently my girlfriend has been waiting to give me her phone until we get into the Uber.

I’m thinking the guy has a 3 inch dick and tells everyone he’s hung like a horse too.

Cargo shorts are just regular shorts with places to put two flasks. Nobody respects utilitarianism anymore.

Nah, I’m a grown man and I’ll wear whatever I want. Feel free to whine about it on the internet though.

Cargo Shorts or GTFO. I'm too old to worry about impressing anyone.

Nah, it woulda been self-defense. In Florida, it’s called ‘Stand Your Ground’ and I’m pretty sure they give you a key to the city if the lady is murdered in Tampa.

How many stubborn Bernie supporters have you had in your mouth?

I’ve found myself in similar situations (down to the fact that, because I wear a suit and tie most days, people often assume I’m conservative or something). It definitely shuts people up when I reply with something like “Actually, if it weren’t for food stamps and free school lunches, there are days I wouldn’t have…

I try to be nice to other people waiting in line at the checkout, because it sucks and no one has fun. But I live in an area where a lot of people use “food stamps” and for some reason, maybe because I have a bitchy face, or maybe because people see my uniform and assume I am more conservative than I am, other…

Derek Anderson was the best quarterback the Browns have had since our return

Well now, to be fair, he matured and learned from that incident.

Fun fact about the Deadspin staff: It is a colonial organism made up of many super super small things called morons.

Oh great, jellyfish have learned how to post internet comments.

Urine does not actually do anything for jellyfish stings except expose the urinator as someone with a pee fetish. Hopefully they thanked you for the imagery before they went home to reminisce about it and jerk off.

I used to have to travel to Sao Paulo frequently for my work, when I was with a large Fortune 500 company that had offices down there.

“I didn’t put it in front of winning, but I think we all have things that we have to do. There has to be a line somewhere, and that’s what ended up happening.”

“Robin is the one who has to fight for us”

Give him another year or two, maybe another surgery, and this guy is a prime candidate to become a New York Yankee.

If you play this video in reverse, you have Dion Waiters’ day.