My beagle's greatest trick is her ability to hear food being unwrapped in the kitchen from any room in the house, no matter how quiet you try to be.

Yeah, too bad none of them has an improv background or has shown ad libbing ability on SNL or anything. Scroll back up and look at the pictures again, dude.

As the bride in this tawdry tale and a veteran of 35 years of marriage TO THE SAME MAN I would like to weigh in briefly on the original topic: Should you marry your best friend. I did, but I'm not sure that's the magic formula to a marriage. My own parents celebrated their 64th anniversary last summer and they would…

Ain't no shade like Southern Granny shade.

Oh wow! Southern Granny blew right past the Meaning Wells and Blessing Hearts and went right for the Genealogy Jugular.

I'm also a product of two clashing cultures, but my parents are now happily divorced.

By popular demand, the story of my parents wedding (as told by my mother):

There have been times in the past 22 years of marriage when love was not enough. We've weathered some pretty bad financial storms, and a couple of times when the marriage itself was the problem. During those times, it was our friendship that held us together long enough to patch up the marriage and get things running…

Huh. I couldn't imagine my husband NOT being my best friend. Aside from my coworkers, he's the person I spend the most time with. That would be awfully dreary if we just sort of "got along."

When this topic comes up, for some reason I always think about this older New York magazine feature where they talked to a bunch of (anonymous) married men. Two of the men said this, and it's always stuck with me, even though I don't identify with or know if I particularly agree with what they're saying:

Oh you liberals and your constant negativity. Let's consider instead what she got right about this article.

This made me laugh-cry. I volunteer at a shelter, and I've seen so many pups literally THROWN over our fences (so that their legs break) or dumped in the donation bin that's supposed to be for donated food, toys and blankets, that when some idiot strolls into the intake office and goes, "Urrhh I got this here puppy,…

now i want to run home and hug my babies... and hug them, and hug them, and hug them...

Okay, I am not defending her actions AT ALL, but having worked at animal shelters, I can tell you that the amount of people who dump their unwanted pets on the side of the road, at intersections, etc. is huge. I'd rather this lady do what she did (safely restrained with his stuff where someone could find him) rather…

Samesies. I went in for Paragard the first time, but it was a no go. Practically OD'ing on Advil did nothing for the pain. The second time, they prescribed me Valium so the measurement/insertion (ended up with Skyla, which I like to refer to as baby-Mirena) was not nearly as bad, and I gave zero fucks about everything…

That's not the whole story though. CPS was notified after the daughter told doctors that her mother doesn't trust doctors and that she doesn't want to go against her mother and then her mother stopped bringing her for treatment.

That was the worst part, and having to go through it twice in a row was just torture. I almost barfed.

That is almost literally what my doctor said when I got mine, "We don't really know how it works but it sure does work well!" Then he went on to tell me about how ancient Egyptians would put rocks in camel vagina to keep them from getting pregnant on long dessert treks. He's a fucking lunatic and I love him.

When my doctor removed my Paragard, I was like, how bad is this gonna hurt? And she reminded me that cervixes want things to come out of them and that it would be easy. And she yanked and I was like, I feel something, is that it? And she held it up in the air and said, "yep! Here's Mr. T!"

Cannot move past "cervix is clamped open". Nope nope nope!

Oh, man, the high school swim practice diet. I'm pretty convinced swimming burns a trillion calories, based on the way I ate back then. I tried to keep eating that way after swim season was over and INSTANTLY gained a bunch of weight.