“He was charged with bestiality after forcing the girls to put peanut butter on their genitals so the family dog could lick it off.”

Obviously an athletics admission. He can’t even use the conditional subjunctive correctly. As a fucking adult. Whose first language is English. Pathetic.

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Michael Cera is a rapist.

“I wish I’d never been so athletic and handsome!”

oh my god I’m laughing so hard right now

Twitter has really improved this election.

....Where was your uterus before?

Least sexy threesome, ever.

Was I going to be 50 and doing the same things that I did when I was 30? That... seems kind of sad and unfulfilling.

Lance Armstrong would have given his left nut to only have had a 2 year sentence against him.

My kids are fucking awesome. I hope they someday scream in your ear at a hip restaurant for 3 hours.

I mean, yes. I wrote that with more than a bit of snark, knowing the audience.

With all sincerity, though, it’s been a hard, but amazingly wonderful experience. Since she made the transition from human potato to an actual little being who is starting to interact with the world around her... it’s so awesome to see. I…

5 people died. Barring medical emergency there had better be charges.

I just took my 3 month old puppy to obedience class and she pooped on the classroom floor and tried to hump a King Charles Spaniel. Youngsters are awful no matter the species...

Fact is the odds of any of these little ones finding themselves in a shelter is beyond miniscule.

African Boerboels are some badass bitches, indeed. If you want a dog who can protect you, this beautiful breed is for you.

I wouldn’t say that was being parents. The people who blather on about their kids probably blathered on about their car/pet/diet/whatever before they became parents.

Wow - what an edgy take. May I offer an equally scorching hot counterpoint? People who think kids are the worst are generally miserable cunts.

Yeah, but that’s true of young adults, the middle aged, and the elderly too.

That’s very helpful. But what if you had no friends to begin with?