"So what. She did a lot more than that for me." - Aaron Carter

Brokaw is just counting the days till he gets to bang every chick over 65 in the Sarasota area.

@Brazil Thrill: +1 burgeoning porn career

He swings a hot dog better than Mark Teahen swings a bat. Shocking.

Which national sports figure takes credit for this: Dirk Nowitzki or Michael Ballack?

She's just mad because she wasted her life being an Olympic gold-medalist instead of a Perkins' waitress.

Chaudhry is lucky. If that were Shin Chan, he would've been mooned.

Luckily for the USA, Jethro has become a top flight NCIS agent.

Best part: at 2:20, when the guy falling links perfectly with the "OH!!" in the Beck song.

Tiger Woods is on a flight to Vancouver as we speak to "console" her.

An extra 10 dollars was added if Lil' Prime made more tackles in one game than Deion did his whole career.

So, I'm guessing she let the silver & gold medal winners run a train on her.

I didn't know Gary Coleman married Molly Ringwald.

"I was positive that Sidney was open. But I suppose that Drew needed the ring more than I did. I already have one."

The 1st rule of Buddhism: you do not talk about Buddhism.

@AzureTexan: Oddly enough, he compared her pubic hairs to the ruff at Augusta.

Is this gonna be like the Super Bowl thread, where Jezebel-ers are gonna rail on the anti-marriage theme of this press conference?

"There's nothing wrong with keepin' it in the family." - Jerry Lee Lewis

@Steve U: "Lotta good that explanation did for me."-Nodar Kumaritashvili

The first thing he should do is thank Geico for saving 1500 dollars a year on car insurance.