Downtown Abby:

Yup. Textiles and boots.

“Helen Keller, I just want to say, we have Mike Pence reading a magazine about now, I just want to say, You have such lovely eyes, Helen! Good job!”

No, I am a boomer, making selfish, earth-ruinous choices and not retiring so that you have to live with your parents and eat avocado toast.

Yes.

See also: Walmart torchiere, Rent-A-Center chairs and tables. AKA the Men’s Divorce Apartment. Accessories not shown: dominant flat screen TV, and gaming console, socks.

I would soberly revere it.

You can almost see the ceiling slowly lowering, until it crushes them. 

Justifiable window-covering euthanasia.

Jesus. With that bleak apartment, I’m surprised they’re not in a suicide pact; divorce seems reasonable.

Hoover is dead on, but I always feel like Tucker’s got to be saying, “Give me the Loni™ on top, and scrape the sides painfully raw.”

God, I hope not.

What do you want them to do, something bizarre, like, I don’t know: tie a rope to his handcuffs and parade him through the town on horseback?

It sounds like airport food.

See also: Frisco, and The Big Easy.

Billionaires love Pete Buttigieg. Do any billionaires love you?

The leader of the free world, calling a specific FBI agent “psycho,” publicly.

“I believe choice starts in the bedroom.”