Full scholarships for the two kids. There is no other acceptable outcome.

I’m going to need someone to apply a beat, and autotune this shit:

I apPEAL to your sense of forgiveness and hope you CLANG forgive me.

What if I’m a lapsed Catholic who absent-mindedly watched a Polanski film six months ago?

Because their mothers clamped down and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” at their births. Justifiably.

Wasn’t this a movie with Lindsay Lohan and she was a stripper who didn’t know she was a murderer?

Ladies r all shopping and screaming, am I right?

A condo in Arizona, owned by Zippy brand Zip-Tie Handcuffs, the Disposable Cuff for when you just want to throw them away along with the Foreigners. Zippy Brands, Made in China, proudly packaged in the U.S.A.

Mmm, first you have to appear as a houseguest on Big Brother. Then, you get the soap cameo. THERE ARE SYSTEMS IN PLACE.

Move out of the way, Spicer. I want to see if Yankee Candle Donald’s tie goes down to his knees or not.

Things are so fucked up that I barely lift my head up now to moan.

Panic! At The Disco played at the Russian Miss Universe pageant and after party that Trump “definitely” didn’t attend, or watch hookers pee during his trip, because he didn’t stay overnight. Except he did.

Mmm, adamantly maybe, or vehemently. But probably not vocally. Because that would be weird.

It’s not gay if your shovels don’t touch.

“Didn’t answer my question, did you?”

What do I know, I like ketchup with my grilled cheese sandwiches. And a couple times a year, I crave a paper carton of chocolate milk.

I think because it gets marketed a lot as a way to get kids to eat vegetables, it’s perceived as an immature choice. I don’t think it’s a class issue, as much as a child-like choice. Much like ketchup on a good steak.

I think I’d die laughing if after asking, “Why are you laughing?” she tugged out her phone and started googling her stupidity right then and there.

I’ve seen it! Mamie van Doren!