I first noticed her in Men Don’t Leave, playing the fancy-food store owner who crabbily hires Jessica Lange. I finally fell completely in love with her, watching her character bring out a thirst for life in Ruth in Six Feet Under. Kathy Bates, Frances Conroy, and Patricia Clarkson sharing the screen: god, I want to…

When I was a kid, maybe ten, growing up in a small town in Indiana, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. My mom went to the town library to read up on it, and couldn’t find any books on the shelves. She asked a librarian, and found out they were kept behind the librarian’s counter, along with the sexual education books.…

Yes, I have a lot of projects.

You seem fussy.

If you haven’t been there, and you know nothing about it, why are you commenting about it to suggest it’s closure is not significant?

Not in retail. Especially at the level Colette not only operated in, but pretty much owned.

For a design innovator and expert curator in brick and mortar retail, cutting across many categories, with only one location, twenty years is extraordinary. Colette was iconic, not only for its duration, but its unrivaled commitment to style and bringing design to the public.

You doubt that 90% of those reading this are wondering what Collette is? So only 10% have never heard of it, and that means it’s not iconic? WTF are you on about, even?

Plus, they undoubtedly lease the space, so they won’t profit from the next tenant.

When I was in my early twenties, I’d go grocery shopping with my mom, because I didn’t drive and that way I could buy more than two bags full.

...sinkhole filled with fire ants who say nonchalantly to the wasps,“hey, it’s okay, we got this, you rest up for your turn tomorrow: we’ll take shifts for a few months, until the scorpions get here.”

I would almost be willing to give up the existence of the internet, if it meant he’d have no outlet for his stupidity and ugly vanity.

He would have a pretty spectacular unibrow if someone took the disposable razor away from him.

Because that’s what drones are for.

That’s stately Wayne Manor, to you.

I’d like to tinkle in their ice cubes.

In particular, If I was “famous” for “doing a leveraged buyout of Snapple, and living in Princess Radziwill’s house,” I would light myself on fire and flame-hump every attendee, one by one.

It was a long first date, and that happened near the end of it. He was kind of spacy to begin with, but a genuinely good person; it really hadn’t occurred to him at that moment that the cat and I shared a first name, or that I didn’t know about the cat. 

Once, on a first date, I was introduced to my date’s roommate. My date then announced to him with great annoyance, “If it smells funky in here, it’s because Michael crapped on the rug.” Then he looked over at me, Michael, and made a mildly disgusted face.