Well, you’re in luck! I’m creating a notification app to solve your problem, called eastr. It’s only $9.99 in the App Store, and in addition to reminding you of the date, it lets you use filters to make your face egg-shaped and pastel-hued in selfies. Also, it lets you know who wants to fuck like a bunny, and how far…

You’ve been Connered.

Phew. Thank god you’re here to stick up for the multi-billion dollar corporation, to explain why your perception is the one which matters, and dismiss others’ perception and lived experience as “oversensitivity” to race-related issues.

Their heads are MONSTROUS. They look like homely seahorses.

Also, rectal ultrasounds. It’s in the Bible.

(It was a joke.)

I would settle for the power to inflict incapacitating anal itching, at will.

Igneous rocks in his fucking head.

“Winning” is more important. Their egos are just that fucking fragile.

One standard in order to claim “DIVERSITY”, one backup. : (

Smother all Othering.

Ehhh, I watched the show in spite of Paige. I found her perkiness to be insufferable. She was such a white bread muppet.

Casey Affleck in several petticoats, head padding, and a bed sheet.

I would like to apply for several of these jobs.

This.

Ehh, they haven’t had very much time to put together an alternative plan to the ACA. AHAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

Tanning bed dehydration.

Yes! Now when my genie vomits pretzels (DAILY! Who has a fragile genie, that’s right, I do!), I don’t have to thumb-type the whole damn sentence. God, I ❤ technology. 👀 what 👁 did t🐰?

“I’m not sure how an expert in designing cheap, overpriced clothes and accessories that end up in the TJ Maxx discount bin could contribute anything in the White House, but who knows.”

Ultimately they probably got a couple of cases of (well-done) TrumpSteaks and TrumpWater. And contact syphilis, because there’s no other way of explaining his Swiss cheese brain.