I also say that at the beginning of relationships, but I’m usually handing them the TV Guide.

Carlos Slim, you quit winkin’ at me now.

I went to a Katy Perry concert (don’t judge me, took my “niece and nephew” and we had pit tickets and it was pretty fucking amazing.)

I was gonna say a slightly misassembled Matt Damon.

Yeah, I went to the link just now (didn’t bother before) and whoever she is, she’s exuding Claire’s Boutique ca 1993 and Ice Capades more than anything else. She looks like Paula Abdul wanted to be a figure skater, and mistakenly believed that facial oils and eye makeup were the key to success on the ice.

Damn, if that Bobby Finger isn’t just exuding Hollywood glamour.

“If you look at the history of polling me...”

He looks like the hairy-wristed straight guy in every office who wears waaaay too much cologne, dingy undershirts under blue dress shirts, and half a dozen really sad women with the exact same hair and no self esteem who all take smoke breaks together obsess about. And two of them are named Kathy and Cathy, and the…

My mother always puts S on the end of words that don’t have S and it drives me insane!

Kellyanne is a (slightly) more presentable Orly Taitz. Or Orly is her future. Delusional, unethical and obsessed.

“Malik’s presence at the debate won’t do shit to rattle Hillary.”

I want Hillary to slow dance the first dance with Rosie at the Inaugural Ball.

(In all seriousness, I feel you. I use the mute button constantly, even when watching reruns of sitcoms I’ve seen multiple times, because I JUST CANNOT stand it. I have long maintained that I was put on this planet to experience writhe in mortification from the shame that so many people seem to be incapable of…

OMG now I’m embarrassed for you.

Me, too! When I complained to my doctor about it, she cut me off. I have been inexplicably hoarding my last 30 ever since.

Nope, nope, nope. Those are sentimental “memory corks.”