I use a cork to stopper the big galvanized watering can that I use to water container plants, while I’m schlepping it about. That way it doesn’t water my feet. When actually watering, the cork floats in the water in the can.

Apparently Melania has experienced the horror of Furniture Groping, as she’s occupying about 4% of her chair’s seat.

Tragically, still not enough to save poor Barbara Walters.

If I could figure out how to electrocute people via Facebook, I’d consider reinstating my account.

God, I want “telly-telly” to be something he’s said to Ivanka while she was growing up, so she recognizes it, and realizes this woman is telling the truth.

I like a smile and a wave from across the street.

I was watching old Match Game reruns last weekend, and when new contestants came out (especially if they were blonde and/or Farrah-haired) nasty old Gene Rayburn would actually stop the show, spray minty aerosol breath spray into his mouth ostentatiously, and glom onto contestant’s faces like a remora. It was…

You know he’s the sort that believes the definition of sexual assault is a stranger, a man (probably not a white man) jumping out and dragging a woman into an alley after dark, but not managing to penetrate his victim (who was probably out too late, so asking for it.) If penetration happens, then it’s “rape” (except…

Let’s play it safe and name this one “Future Bathmat.”

“They know only that trick, and if a woman suggests things that she’s learned about her body from living in it for a couple decades, she will be informed that all the girls love this.”

“Aunt Barbara has asked the servants at Kennebunkport to set the largest lobsterpot aboil.”

He was a Miss Universe judge, who Donald Trump treated as a spokesperson for gay issues, including marriage equality.

Think Star Wars, only in black and white with primary accents, set in a small town grocery store, and cast entirely with bald eagles. And it’s got a M Night twist: it’s really an infomercial for commercial flooring. Because Star Wars did really, really well.

Bad Breakfast Cereal

Running from an out of control thresher, then, sure, okay.

Why do you hate this amazing country? Why won’t you let America Be Grate Again?

F. Murray Abraham, Armin Mueller-Stahl, and James Garner’s cremains are BAD DADS.

Or... or if Vintage Tom Selleck and Vintage Steve Guttenberg were to, like, I don’t know, make out maybe? That would make them Bad Dads, if they weren’t totally paying close attention to the baby, right? THAT COULD BE A THING OKAY GET GOING CGI HOLLYWOOD PEOPLE

Ted Danson’s horseshoe chin groove thing is really freaking me the fuck out right now.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus has the sassiest smile in all creation.