I meant to do that (still have time, it’s not even seven here) but omg I am burned out from helping someone move in 90-degree heat and also from not getting callbacks/interviews/job offers/sparkleponies/whatever. Still, I have six jobs to app for and I will feel better if I get some of them done.

Maybe I can get out of the greys with this one.

Maybe not the wildest, but perhaps my proudest.

(I promise this is about sex. Hang in there)

I’ve never had a wedding hook-up. However, at my best mate’s wedding, where I was one of the bridesmaids, I was propositioned by the bride’s 12-year-old nephew. I’m not sure he knew exactly what was supposed to happen in these encounters, but clearly had the idea that it involved offering to buy me a drink and the…

I mostly think it’s written with the same kind of exasperating enthusaism of every single person who’s ever spent time abroad and returned to the US (or maybe just “returned home”...I suppose I can’t speak to whether or not it’s a uniquely US phenomenon). There’s a certain amount of superiority that exists here, sure,…

She sent you her teeth? That.is.AWESOME! That’s what BFFs do.

You get a star simply because it's the only erect penis I'll lay eyes on today.

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

There are so many things that are completely baffling!

This is me trying to wrap my head around the fact that they actually made an over the top, R-rated, nonstop action movie that isn’t exploitative, actually develops its characters and doesn’t throw them away like trash, has consistent internal logic and actual story structure, and entertains the hell out of me from…

It was SO GOOD... It’s definitely kicked off an unprecedented Tom Hardy crush on my part. I’ve always thought he was a good actor, but he didn’t really do it for me until he became Charlize Theron’s right hand man. I was not expecting to like it more than Avengers Age of Ultron, but it was soooo much better. I’ve…

I can imagine that this was especially awful because she touched you. Bitch.

My name is really weird and hard to pronounce, thanks to my hippie parents, so I give a fake name at places like Panera every time. I make up whole characters and back stories while I wait in line. My fave alter ego is Babette. She’s a half French novelist and a bit of a hussy.

One time a man asked me when my baby was due. I was wearing an ill fitting dress, but I was not pregnant. Rather than embarrass the entire world, I just told him I was due in September. Wait is this the best time or the worst time?

I went to England with my sister in the early 90s, or you, know when the world still loved Americans. My sister had really long brown hair and was tall and skinny, and had a passing resemblance to Alanis Morrisette. As soon as we got off the fucking plane, people were FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. OMG is that Alanis??? So we…

Re-watching on Netflix. Even better the second time around!

I’ve already got a glass of cheap moscato next to me, and now I’m staring at my ongoing "Shame box" in the corner of my room that contains clothes to be donated.

Clothes avoider too. Makeup shopping is more calming. Makeup doesn't make my hips look too wide.

THAT FIRST PIC THO.