That’s more or less what happened to me 12 years ago.

I have no set schedule. The same with shaving. I'm just like Brad Pitt. Except for the good looks, money and wacky wife. But, other than that, same.

Whenever my wife tells me to.

Usually no earlier than 6 weeks. But I have also been known to go months. I'm pretty lazy.

“12 and a half pages? How long did that take, like three years?”

Sam Hinkie is underappreciated in his time. While the rest of the league is playing checkers, he was playing really shitty checkers.

I’ve written resignation letters with less than thirteen words.

It wasn’t a resignation letter. It was a mission statement.

I love peanut butter. It’s good.

“Michael DiMauro is and (sic) adult ... and pays a considerable amount of money watching the Patriots from Florida on NFL Sunday Ticket.”

You’re free to think whatever you want about my onion goggles opinions, but this is just crazy.

Get a sharper knife.

Piece of bread hanging from your mouth does the trick, and helps towards my goal of eating a daily loaf of bread.

1. The other guy started it. (No one has ever started a bar fight in the history of bar fights.)

For the love of god, don’t let the Seahawks fans know you can do this.

The only Rico act that I care about.

I’m a Pats fan and this just embarasses me. We need to get back to what real football should be about: pelting Goodell’s Maine home with poop-filled paper bags, not filing frivilous lawsuits.

So! The plaintiffs’ attorney, Seth T. Carey. You guys can help with this, but so far I found that he was suspended from practicing law for six month for what the Maine Supreme Judicial Court described as “a lack of fundamental skills, competencies, and preparation in trial work in general, and criminal defense in…