You hand them a John Philip Sousa score and a tetanus booster.

That was a line I got from an old drag queen who ran a bingo at a bar I used to spend time at.

I was smiling but fine until I got to Sandy Duncan and then lost it.

(Editor’s Note: Please feel free to imagine Yakety-Sax playing over the following)

A) You're taking this entirely too personally.

"To be fair..."

<— The diners in question.

Depending on where you get it, it can actually be not that great. It's really more of a melted butter delivery vector than actual quality foodstuff in its own right. If you just get some imitation crabmeat and melt some butter for dipping, you'll get a rough amalgam of a cheap lobster dinner.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

Cousin Eddie, the only one who appreciates the Jelly of the Month club :

That it is, Edward.

If I had done something like that, at that kid's age, at lunch with MY grandfather? I would not be here right now.

Bullshit. Going to this kind of restaurant is like going to the Louvre and asking them to hang up some fucking Thomas Kinkade paintings. You're asking for an experience they don't fucking offer. Go somewhere that does, and stop wasting people's time.

Did the kid look like this?

And who kneads a yeast infection? Not me.

As the parent of a very active toddler, I totally understand service workers bargaining not to get our table.

There's a reason my husband calls it The Honkey Drum.

My husband bemoaned my tipping practices, because I tend to overtip. He was all "The store is less than a mile away, you don't have to give them $5." But then we had a pizza guy that just about started crying when I told him I didn't want any change, giving him a $5.75 tip. He hadn't been sure he would make it back to…

Consider your curiosity satiated, because it sounds like angry Christians yelling while soft rock plays in the background.

I have never heard of Ecco Domani, but now my life goal is to start a wine label called Ecce Romani. LATIN I NERDS UNITEEEEEEE