Now I want to have a muffin with a friend. :(

Now I want to let my friend have a muffin.

"YOU WAIT TILL TWITTER HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

Kicking him and his kids off the plane was a major overreaction, but, I don't know, I think it's kind of sweet that Southwest is standing up for its employees. Half the time, service workers get fired when they don't treat some douche who sells monogrammed coffee thermoses with the A-list ass kissing he feels entitled…

Real nice way to treat an A-list. I'll be sure to tweet about it,

Consequently after reading this story I grew great wings, like a pterodactyl, and flew away from the internet for the rest of the day screeching "NOPE NOPE NOPE."

All of the goddamn NO in the world goes to this. We'll be sending around a collection plate, so you can tithe 10% of your NO. If there's any NO left, please send it to the This Situation Is Fucked PO Box.

Those are the ones I like to reply to with faux dimness. "What are "tities"? I've never seen that word." Then they have to explain their stupid and misspelled missive.

Has a dick pic ever worked for anyone ever? "You have deplorable table manners, your stance on same sex marriage is alarming, and your relationship with your mother has a distinct Psycho vibe. However, your penis is pleasingly shaped and the crown has a certain joie de vivre. How soon can we marry?"

"Nice tities"

We had our wedding in an upscale northern NJ wedding facility. It was a basic NJ wedding. A few months later, my wife's friend had her reception in the same place, but checked EVERY box for extras- Lobster towers, crab stations, various specialty shooter tables, a pirate ship ice sculpture with vodka bottles in the…

"We're decent friends, but I didn't think you thought of me as a Groomsman. You're not going to be in mine, hope that's okay."

I think Polk would've played it super cool, done a great job, and everyone would've been surprised by it, only 20 minutes later, no one would remember how awesome he'd been.

Clinton would high five, and Kennedy probably would, too. Reagan would look very uncomfortable and try to say something folksy. Carter would be adorable and sweet, but awkward. Johnson would probably make a reference to how big his dick was. Bush the first would have no idea what the fuck to do, and Bush the second…

Isn't this how Republicans think HIV is spread?

Not only is he the dang ol' Anti-Christ, but he touches the gays in public.

The only thing that sounds remotely interesting is the apple pie cake display. I am a sucker for those babies and I don't care who knows.

Dear Close Friend,

Assuming she grows up, that is. Justin and Caleb now have plenty of incentive to make sure that doesn't happen.