Just say "I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now" out loud. Not only will you get rid of your booger-head firstborn, but you might get to see the Goblin King in his tights!

Uhhh, is this where they got their legal advice?

My love for Twix exceeds some of your other questionable rankings (I mean, Three Musketeers aren't THAT bad). TWIX SURELY FELL FROM THE HANDS OF GODS ATOP MOUNT OLYMPUS. Twix solidarity. Twix 4eva.

YES! Twix is the best.

I do appreciate that Whatchamacallit bars made the top 5 (those things are criminally underrated), but your placement of Cookies and Cream (which contain NO ACTUAL CHOCOLATE) above Hershey's Dark negates any goodwill you garnered. GOOD DAY, SIR.

Can we PLEASE stop talking about the Westboro Baptist Church? They're a sad cluster of lonely, isolated weirdos that do shitty things because they're all fucked up.

Let's all take a moment to appreciate Oklahoma's method of crowd control: half-heartedly rolling a bicycle at people.

Damn, now I'm going to have to eat at a Chili's.

Who knew the pissing contest would be such a pissing contest?

For 4 months, I had to deal with a passive-aggressive queen bee that was widely admired and incredibly popular at my work. She'd often ostracize me and just be cruel in subtle ways. I've dealt with mean girls in the past before (I'm the target of many a mean-girl attack), so I hitched a month long plan to knock her…

I was walking home from the bar with some of my friends, and I'd bought a large thing of poutine for all of us to share while we walked home. It was a nice night, and all the bars were packed and there were lots of drunk people standing around on the street smoking and waiting to get into the bars. We walk by a clump…

I had a great group of friends in high school, one girl and two guys. We were pretty different from most of the kids in my school and we bonded over that. We got pretty close and I ended up pairing off with one of the dudes. Apparently, the other girl didn't appreciate that and began to sabotage my relationship and…

I used to work with a woman who was absolutely NASTY to just about everyone, but especially me. Once I put a folder of birthday cards to sign on her desk (standard practice in just about every office environment ever) and as I walked away, I distinctly heard her mutter "Asshole, messing up my desk with your stupid…

This is an old one.

When I was about 9 or 10 I went to a Girl Scout camp over the summer. I became really good friends with one girl who had a stutter. There was another girl there who was a total mean girl, and would constantly bully me and the other girl names behind the adults backs. One day my group was canoeing, and due to a lack…

There was this girl that started dating one of my husband's friends and I had to hang out with her all the time for this reason. I had really bad acne and whenever I would complain about the pain I felt on my face because of my fucking face tumors, she would touch her face and tell me that her skin was beautiful…

So I was on study abroad in Europe with a different University than my own, so I didn't know anyone. Unfortunately for me, I got stuck in an apartment with 'Mean Girls'. We all tutored local college students in English and I developed a mad crush on one of the Italian guys. I invited him over for dinner one night -…

I signed a homophobic and sexist co-worker up for various gay publications, subscriptions and fan clubs. I paid the subscriptions with money orders and had some sent to his home and some to work.

This list is almost as bad as the cereal ranking.