“Ford says his 4-year-old son Jack is “so happy” because he hasn’t learned “the secret.” And that secret, he says, “is that he’s going to die.”

I firmly believe there’s no way we have a first female president that’s a democrat. It will be a conservative white woman. The liberal plus the woman factor is just a bridge too far.

I’ve heard people talking about Gillibrand 2020. I really, really wanted Hillary to be the first woman president (because I think she’s brilliant and she’s had to stand in a shower of such hateful shit for 30 years). But from everything I’ve heard about Kirsten Gillibrand, she seems like an excellent candidate. Plus…

The old guard like Biden and Dean should “retire” to states where flipping the statehouse is a real possibility. Political missionary work.

Love ya, Uncle Joe, but you’re 74, and will be 78 in 2020. Time for the torch to pass to a new generation. Find a good candidate and put your moral weight behind him or her.

Omg totally agreed on american cheese, the most fouls thing ever. BARF.

Is someone surprised by reading this? Sadly I am not.

This ruling needs to end with requirements to redraw ALL the districts nation wide based solely on population density. Districts should be as square and circular as geography allows.

Thank God this is on the docket and being heard before whatever batshit-crazy-flag-humping troglodyte former Goldman Sachs ass-monkey Trump appoints is seated on the court.

Only .gifs will do in a time like this.

I use money to buy things. Can I run a bank do you think?

Although I don’t have a medical degree and am a man, I’ve decided to pursue a head OB/GYN role since I spent the most formative parts of my life in utero. You’re an inspiration to us all, Dr. Carson.

It seems the only qualifications to be considered for a Donald Trump cabinet is the nominee “must have done something somewhere else at some point. And also, Goldman Sachs.”

You really have to be a horrible shitheel of a human being when you are an authoritarian hothead with roving death squads and you can still only muster an approval rating of 76%.

Did you know adderral can increase your cravings for alcohol? My shrink told me that. Also, check out this wittle hand:

Thank goodness we don’t live in a shithole that allows armed paramilitary groups to congregate wherever they want without any legal consequences. Could you imagine how horrible it would be to be surrounded by armed lunatics like that with Trump at the helm?

Dear CIA,

Stop trying to make “alt-left” happen, it’s never going to happen

If my children were being held hostage, and a ransom note were delivered to me, and the kidnappers’ only demand was for me to watch a Trump rally right now, we’d have a heckuva memorial service for those little buggers.

Michelle Obama is basically a real world Tami Taylor. I just want her to give me life advice, inspire me to do better, and have a glass of wine with me a few times a week.