What is this, like a Mormon naughtiness bracket?

Oh Jesus, my in-laws make a fucking big deal of McDonald's senior coffee too. I don't know how many times I've heard them rattle off what a great bargain it is. Only they order decaf. What is the point of ordering decaf?

This is Christian Sharknado. With God as my witness this is Christian Sharknado.

Ah, the pollen film. I drove a black car in high school in Georgia. But for two months out of the year it was more chartreuse.

Good Christ! I have 3 kids, all birthed in a hospital setting with the assistance of a midwife, nurse and husband (and drugs for 2 of them). I cannot, for the fucking life of me, imagine giving birth at 16 in my childhood home's bedroom (how do you hide the mess from your mom?!). Then taking that newborn - so soon…

Yes, I'll have the Feel Burger with an extra large order of cries.

I know it might be tempting for some to judge her mother for abandoning her, but to be honest, after thinking about the facts of the case, I can't even a little bit. She was raped, and had parents so oblivious/neglectful that they noticed NOTHING. No signs of emotional trauma/withdrawal, not to mention her…

OK, seriously? That octopus is fucking amazing.

Behold The Never Ending Blanket, I was a young woman when I started that innocence is dead. Here's the porno shot of what it will be.

Pretties!! I am working on a baby sweater that I started before the recipient was born and he's now... 9 months old. Oops.

No shame: I am too distracted by the adorableness of that baby to care about anything else.

Well now, they can still experience it, it'll just be an illegal lei.

THAT IS CLEARLY A DAIRY QUEEN CONE

You know, I just want to point out that, for a certain cross-section of your readership *cough*myselfincluded*cough* it would probably have been much better if the title of this article read, "Poop DURING a Date" rather than "Poop ON a Date". Just sayin'.

I have a serious question. What is the deal with dudes and pooping, like why is it so difficult for them? Why does it take them so long to do it? In an episode of Louie he says he is always 48 hours away from diarrhea. WTF? In tv and movies when a man goes to take a poop it is always portrayed as this intense…

I just want to say I really admire your commitment to this glorious GIF.

Ok. Maybe I know too much about Madonna's body hair. As a hairy woman I've always been ridiculously obsessed with and homed in on the body hair of others. That is obviously fake armpit hair, the growth pattern and colour are all wrong. That would be a pit merkin. The 80's nude photos show how dark her pit hair was.…

Armpit hair is no more obscene, unnatural or unhygienic than the hair on your head. As long as you bathe, you'll be fine. That said, let me repeat myself yet again...

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE HAIR, DO NOT DATE MAMMALS.

I, for one, love my armpit hair. It's so soft and fluffy!