Mikey T is a terrible consolation prize, Bachelor producers. As if you dudes don’t have binders full of bland/nice guys to offer Juelia.

Guys. I can fill this void. Someone get a camera crew to my house. I'll put on an evening gown and climb into a bubble bath.

You know one of them is going to sleep with Chloe the copy girl and then spend the next five years yelling, “We were on a break!!!”

Meta Fanfiction: J-Law is living a fanfic of her own wherein she is Buster Bluth and Kris is Lucille Too.

Let’s write the backstory to this photo ourselves. I'm guessing blackmail is a contributing factor.

Fuck yeah, Ellen Page!

He’s most looking forward to Fish Ed.

Ditto. And I’d refer to my Uber driver as “Cap’n” for the duration of the ride.

ViaGirl seems like the obvious choice.

I wonder if he’ll be denied a piece of cake on account of the ICING.

Claudia and Stacey? Please. This has Kristy and Mary Anne written allllll over it (in menstrual blood).

I have done a mass poll (read: six people) and the only person who said they would make out with Ed SheerICan’tBeBotheredToVerifyTheSpelling was a straight dude.

Seriously. I wish I could recall more details.

As I recall it, the missionaries were visiting a man at his home. The man was agitated, furniture started flying, and the missionaries dodged blows as they yelled whatever the magic Mormon words are for banishing an evil spirit (I haven’t gone to church in a decade—I’m rusty on the doctrine).

We could use play-doh figures as our stunt doubles and get a better rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

I always figured she had a background in improv and has been trolling everybody.

I was raised Mormon and didn’t find out until I was an adult that priesthood holders still practiced exorcisms. A return missionary told me a very disturbing experience he had that involved casting demons out of a man to save both of their lives.

Screw Fantastic Four. Our crew of vigilantes should be the next summer blockbuster.

Can I tag along if I’m wearing foam curlers, a housecoat, and wielding a rolling pin?

Normally my favourite thing about Bernie is his cranky old man act (see: his ‘I’m running for president, but don’t ask me about it because I got shit to do’ announcement) but here he was just an obtuse ass to the interviewer.