Yeah, maybe Donald Trump pissed her off during an earlier game of Marco Polo and she started bleeding through her (NOSE).

This was all so upsetting my dentures fell out :(

I’ve always felt pretty good about my ass until I saw it in a dressing room recently.

I support the nanny vying to be the next Bachelorette, but only if her suitors include Jay and Silent Bob.

Dude. I am so hot for Jason Bateman. Is it the twinkle in his eye? The sexy smirk? Or is it the sensible haircut? Regardless, I'm sorry for coveting your man.

Famous people just really crave privacy. Which is why Benedict Cumberbatch still won't reveal what we named our baby.

I know this seems crazy and I know things will get hard, but I also know that I will live a life of regret if I don’t do this now...

YESSSS. I was logging on to say just this. I didn’t own a bikini until I was 30 because I was self-conscious. I remember the exact moment I looked in the mirror and said, “Fuck it. I am going to love my body and stop being critical of it.”

This is the second most embarrassing thing a person named Moses has been guilty of (#1. The Moses who used a wicker basket as a mode of transportation. How gauche.)

I couldn’t breastfeed, but having two babies still shrunk my boobs a couple of cup sizes. I was planning on having a reduction after I finished popping out kids and ended up with a free one courtesy of Mother Nature.

This dude’s resemblance to Ben H from the Bachelorette is throwing me off my snark game.

1. MM: No. Stop it. Go back to your faux tortured hidey-hole where you and Johnny Depp can privately bring out the worst in each other.

This is downright hilarious.

That book is my fave! It is pure comedic genius.

I find when I'm feeling overly fulfilled I just take a Gas-X and then I totally have room for dessert/adopting babies.

This is all very helpful. Do you happen to also have a comprehensive guide to making me feel like less of a dork on Twitter?

Her house looks precisely the way I imagined it would: one part Moulin Rouge, one part seedy side street in Amsterdam, three parts Cher’s subconscious.

Anytime, Valentine.

Mr. Blondette is a doctor and he said he couldn’t even make this error if he were practicing drunk (note: he does not, in fact, practice drunk). The Depo and the flu vaccine take different sized needles and the consistency is very, very different.

Basically, after Joe made Jonathon confess to Juelia, Jonathon broke down in shame and went to the bathroom to cry. Joe came in and said something to the effect of, “If your son did something wrong and then came clean and apologized, how would you feel?” Jonathon continued to cry and replied, “Proud.”