Mock me all you want, but I would totally date James Blunt.

Totally. Who talks about using brass knuckles without irony?

Yes, yes, yes.

Raph and I are really looking forward to a double date with you and Mikey. I know he can seem like a bit of a dick sometimes, but he’s so sweet when he comes out of his shell.

Damn. I knew I should have watched the after show. I was left feeling so much rage I turned the tv off.

Was anyone else supremely uncomfortable/disgusted with the Joe and Jonathon scene in the bathroom? Maybe it was exacerbated by Joe’s southern accent, but comparing their situation to one between Jonathon and his son was so demeaning and infantilizing, I felt like I was watching nearly everything that's wrong with…

That three-timer! I had already come to terms with sharing him with DJ, but you look so much better in parachute pants than I do, I’m once again swaddled in insecurities.

I liked Candace Cameron better when she was shoplifting royal blue sweaters, getting make-up tips from Becky, and dating Aladdin.

Reading Lindy’s “I Rewatched Love Actually So You Don’t Have To” is my new Christmas tradition.

$6 seems like a poultry sum for all that motherclucking hard work.

I feel like I just read the subtext of Anthropologie’s summer collection.

Yes—providing he sings, “It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over” while we’re intercoursing.

“Ugh. I had my own email account, big whoop. Can we get back to Trump claiming women have near constant [NOSE] bleeds and then elect me president already?” - Hillary

Ye gads, frecklesnoot! This is the grooviest news I’ve heard all day! I sure hope Cheryl Blossom will have a juicy role. She’s such a super foil for all those screwball townies running around.

I just ate half a package of funfetti cake mix. Come over, Rock, I think we understand each other.

OR, B-Frank, and I’m spitballing here, you could just not marry cheating douchenozzles.

Pffft...I’ve always been obsessed with your pee—I mean my—no, I mean NO ONE’S pee.

What a relief! It’s felt so awkward singing “For She’s a Jolly Good Fellow” at my toddler’s birthday parties...and none of the dumb kids ever know the words anyway :/

Which do I write first? The Ben and Fran fanfic the world needs or the screenplay for National Treasure 4: Look Out, Bobby Finger, Nicholas Cage is Behind You!

Not only is Garfield responsible for the lasagna induced spare tire I’m sporting, it’s also his fault that I haven't seen my sister since I mailed her to Abu Dhabi years ago.