My dream tabloid cover would blow the lid off my favourite celebrity conspiracy theory: Beyonce is older than she claims to be and Solange’s birth mother. The Knowles’ raised them as sisters and fibbed with their ages to cover it up. Beyonce’s pregnancy with Ivy was fake, it was actually Solange who carried Ivy. So…

Prince Harry marrying Kerry Washington despite Barack Obama being concerned about their dangerous boat wedding.

I know I shouldn’t give Scott a pass but he reminds me of one of my boyfriends from high school — a totally charming cokehead with too much money and absolutely no sense of personal responsibility.

Enjoy them both at the café!

I don’t care too much about either Beyoncé or Pokemon.

I probably should’ve made a new burner for this, but I doubt he reads Jez, so here goes:

I do not know if mine counts because I did not actually go on the date. I was stood up by a guy because before coming to pick me up, he got arrested for shop-lifting a toaster oven at K-Mart using the self-checkout machines.

Reading. I want to get paid to read and learn things without using those learned things in any way except my own knowledge and pleasure.

I saw a documentary on Britney once (For the Record?) and there was a scene where her friends surprised her by taking her out in the middle of nowhere so she could drive a car without being accosted by fans/paparazzi. I hope she gets her dream car and someplace to drive it without hassle.

You can’t fucking ask God to forgive somebody else. You can ask Him to help YOU forgive them for wronging YOU. You can ask Him to forgive YOU for not being able to forgive somebody who has wronged YOU. You don’t ask Him to forgive somebody who is not you. Doing so just makes you a sanctimonious twat.

Kim and Kanye take Taylor Swift

To me, the shirt actually proves that they’re legit. HEAR ME OUT. There is no way that, if this were a publicity stunt, he would wear that shirt. His team (and TS’s) would deem it too desperate.

I believe this is real because TSwift is getting a little bitty belly. Bellies are the only dependable sign of true love.

How about we make the NRA pay it?

discovered this account from reddit today

Good morning, lovelies.

I wonder if they dated all the other oceans first. Like, the Atlantic Ocean was their first love but then randomly found out one day it’s a right-wing nutjob that supported slavery and other awful stuff. Then they fell in love with the Indian Ocean freshman year but their parents’ didn’t approve of the relationship.…

if you dont want to get hit, then why are you walking around with a face HUH

Ass, gas, or grass nobody rides for free, Mutt.