For some reason I read that as “my dry spell is the fucking Kalamari at this point” and I’m just going to stick with that.

They smell so good to me, I could huff the top of those chubby heads like cheap paint.

Rinse and repeat -

My baby nephew was born Monday, and I'm so sad I have to wait to meet him! They've been sending lots of pictures, but I can't wait to hold him and smell his downy little head. Sometimes I love living off in my own corner of the country, and other times I desperately want to be near family.

Would still do tho (either hemsworth, not a koala)

Got my tongue pierced in college cuz college... Was home for break and my mom saw it and sobbed, “Where did I go wrong?!?”

I had the opposite experience at my grandfather’s funeral. One of my grandaunts already had slight dementia and hadn’t seen me in a while. She didn’t recognise me and asked somebody else who “the beautiful blonde woman” was. I think that’s one of the only honest (no false politeness) compliments I ever got.

If I saw Tim Gunn just walking down the street, something high pitched and terrifying would come out of me. Like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park.

it’s a decent size.

-Sent from my vulva

Are you me?

I think I might dislike Tana Goertz more than I dislike Trump?

So the Beatles weren’t enough for her; now Yoko has set her sights on breaking up iambic pentameter. Great.

Yeah I actually find it very obnoxious that the writer thinks Amy Schumer owes anyone anything because the shooting happened at a screening of her film. I’m sure she feels bad enough without someone pressuring her about this.

Gah I love Gabourey Sidibe! I say okie dokie too and I keep at least three Werther’s Original Hard Candy in my purse. My husband swears he had no idea he was marrying someone’s grandpa.

My heart stops beating when I get a phone call. Like, haven't I let it be known I loathe talking on the phone?

Grammar Nazi vocab pro-tip, Angel:

That song is now stuck in my head. You bastard. ;)

Agreeing with Pat Sajak gives me hives.

I only really believe in Lena Dunham when it’s convenient.