Hell, get enough Robitussin in me and I’ll be horny for you.

That ring is hideous.

I mean.

Jesuits ain’t got time for your twitter shit.

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Batiste Dry Shampoos! The spray is tinted in several different shades so you don’t have to worry about your hair…

Plus, lady tears should be saved for science labs alone, in between falling in love with your labmates. DUH.

“useless cunts.”

True; even a blind dog will occasionally locate its own asshole.

This raises the obvious question: which Jezebel writer has “Kangaroo” set as a google alert?

Kanga-roid!

“I’ve seen some shit, man. Shit you wouldn’t believe.”

“Oh yeah, bro, my pecs are ripped!. I’ve been trying to do upper body one day and lower body the next but today I hit both pretty hard. No pain no gain, right dude?”

This one is estimated to be around 2 meters, or 6-foot-5 ,which is—you guessed it—the same height as The Rock.

I was about 12 when I’d decided I was going to be a Paleontologist (I’m not, btw, but that’s not the point.)

My takeaway from this list is: shit, I’m old.

Move to Austin. Dogs and weed are the two driving forces of everything.

I’m going to be an aunt and my niece just kicked in my hand through my sisters belly!!!! Magic. A human is being made and said HAI TO MEH!

It sounds like the intro to a new sitcom. This Bunch of Gays, coming this Fall to CBS.