Excellent! Now I know how to dominate the conversation at my next holiday party.

I used to shop a LOT at Amazon, but no longer do because their prices aren’t competitive. Now they only get my business if I need something very quickly (but without the hassle of going out to buy it).

I would rather onionize my workplace.

The thing that makes sparkling wine wonderful is that it goes down so easily, and delivers such a rapid, glorious state of drunkenness.

You know what Agent Orange would say about that.

My suggested campaign for the CDC:

I would like to see what the salmonella camera would show for that work area (and maybe you, Claire...). Probably my mom’s fault, but I’m too squeamish to deal with big chunks of poultry that can spread their horrors all over the place.

Most important of all, ignore all Kinja Deals.

The number I give out is 703-555-1212. It surprises me how few people (like, none) these days recognize the number for directory assistance. Change the area code as appropriate, of course.

Reviews say that the blender is hard to clean. What do you think?

People who hate cilantro need gene therapy.

People who hate cilantro need gene therapy.

Why would I carry a snack?! Half the reason I go to IKEA is for the food! (It would be 80% of the reason if I lived closer to one.) If I get peckish and need to stop part way through the store to run to get something to eat, then so be it. Besides, IKEA doesn’t complain if you carry your fro-yo around with you.

I absolutely love that you’ve managed to remove the last remaining shreds of nutritional value from pumpkin pie. Hollow arteries just seem so 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺.

I’m getting positively orgasmic imagining how popular & awe-inspiring I could have been if I’d had a Hydrology9 back in my high schools days (1960s).

I like to use agave syrup rather than simple syrup, but I’ll admit that it alters the flavor more and some may not like that.

Fun fact: unless you have a flotation aid, you won’t live long enough to die of hypothermia (as opposed to drowning), even in the coldest waters.

Is there an equivalent of a vasectomy for cruise aficionados?

When did the ungrammatical abomination “step foot” replace the classic “set foot”?

The mold has gotta smell really foul before I’ll throw it out rather than eating it. A good shot of cognac alongside makes almost anything palatable.

Bush-Gore 2000