We've robbed our sisters and daughters of years of having to choose between gainful employment and dignity.

Look, do you want the job or not?

Somewhere, St. Peter is being forced to prance and turn.

When a man can't do what he loves anymore, he just loses the will to live. Thanks, Gretchen.

Every time a Fox News icon dies, an angel gets sexually harassed.

An AV Club article without a typo is like a day without sunshine.

There's a large overlap between his audience and Gleemonex users.

I thought The Alienist was that Oscar bait Adrien Brody movie directed by Ridley Scott.

*Jay Leno sits alone in the dark, sharpening a knife, waiting for the correct moment to strike*

I mean, is it even Star Trek if it doesn't feature Spock riding a hover board and punching a dude repeatedly in the face?

I've never knowingly heard them.

The scene where Catherine Keener tries to seduce Josh Gad but he's too distracted playing Pokemon Go will be a classic.

Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is through harassment and petty litigation.

I had peameal bacon at the St. Lawrence and bacon it was not. But it was good.

In most regards Canada does things better than us, but Snoop opening for Linkin Park is about as wrong as Canadian bacon.

Wishbone Tomahawk

*Jay Leno stares blankly into a mirror wearing an ill-fitting orange wig as Goodbye Horses plays in the background*

People who were born closer than us to the actual big bang.

Stranger's Things

Now the only question is, will he be Chewbacca Mom'd or Ken Boned?