I was amused watching the MSNBC talking heads stumbling all over themselves to compliment Melania's adorable little speech. They tossed a few feeble, puny, mildly critical words in here and there, but for the most part they were splooging themselves. Even loud mouthed smug and snide Chris Mathews had kind things to…

Hey, that's the internet's Mission Statement.

"Sticky Fingers" would have been appropriate but, of course, only after having watched those 6 minutes of her chattering, over rehearsed, plagiarizing comely face and I had "elected" myself to completion.

Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings," but performed by the Chinese National Children's Acapella & Small Gadget Assembly Workers Choir. Naturally.

You'd think after whiffing gas fumes all those years your tolerance for Cat Scratch Fever would be unnaturally high, as would be your affection for the Wango Tango.

Legally, accurate. Ethically, questionable. Morally, reprehensible. And, end-of-world spectacl-ly, awesome!

I felt that Melania's speech was genuinely compelling and profoundly stirring, in a way that only a highly engineered, exquisitely fabricated, soon-to-be-obsolete-and-relegated -to-the-over-39-exwife-scrapheap, cybernetic android could move me.

I'm sorry, I was only repeating what the strange little voice in my head told me. *high powered inner ear micro speaker begins to emit an excruciatingly high pitched squeal, head explodes*

The rent is too damn Pokemon!

"…and i mean the bad type of 90s nostalgia" - Hillary. Wocka wocka.

And, it wasn't even necessary to do any of that shit 'cause they were petty much guaranteed a victory, which only goes to prove just how fucking stupid, and demented, the whole escapade actually was.

It was… muehder!

That's where Sarah Palin sends all her angry letters. And Xmas wish list.

I "roll the rubies" more than is considered healthy, but I'm just gonna do it till I need glasses.

French is the new Black.

Oh, a night sleeper, aye? La Dee Fuckin' Da.

It's almost impossible to definitively ascertain if anything is or isn't pointless, considering that nearly everything which civilization and humanity currently believes—the sum total of of our collective acquired knowledge—is essentially worthless nonsensense. You gotta remember that.

No, it's got a point, a very valid point — to make me laugh, and it did. And it's a much appreciated point. Eric Andre's slapstick shenanigans are a primal corrective to our too often self absorbed, self important beliefs that we are important and special creatures. We're all just overpaid circus monkeys. All of us!

Normally you're completely totally utterly fucking freaking out, so this is a reassuring sign of improvement.

These are not the fucking batshit crazy paranoid theories you're looking for. *waves hand in a dismissive gesture, kinda like Jesus blessing his disciples, or Steve Doocy masturbating*