Oh Gawd, I hope it's Ellen Degeneres's show! She's great!

Ya know, y'all might be surprised by just how many 20 year olds actually do want to sleep with him, or with any other semi-successful, semi-attractive, late middle-aged, hypersensitive, overly analytical, neurotic, compulsive, obsessive, habitually self destructive, bewilderingly tedious but quirkily insightful B-list…

Also, but I just bought a new 2017 Jaguar XJKLMNOP!!

I swear I'm sure that Tom Snyder had an entirely different show playing in his skull than the one we were all watching. He had the most peculiar and sinister snickering laugh that he'd regularly unleash at the oddest, most random moments during an interview, entirely irrelevant to anything that had just been said by…

"Gosh Marg, how do you get your mayonnaise so tasty?!"
"Oh, my little secret is I sun bake it for two weeks, with the lid off."

And so, just as the miraculously parted waters of the fabled Red Sea suddenly and cataclysmically rejoined upon themselves and in so doing engulfed and suffocated the unwitting advancing Pharaoh's armies, so too is Maron's TV show extinguished. Kewl, kewl, kewl…

And so, just as the miraculously parted waters of the fabled Red Sea suddenly and cataclysmically rejoined upon themselves and in so doing engulfed and suffocated the unwitting advancing Pharaoh's armies, so too is Maron's TV show extinguished. Kewl, kewl, kewl…

Hey, quit yer yappin' and get back to hatin' Kim Kardashian. The Sergeant's coming towards the barracks, and you ain't done none of your Kim Kardashian hatin'. He's gonna toss you and me in da brig if he sees what a gold brickin' slouch you is, but I got some steamy plans with a real hot number dis evening, and ain't n…

Jawohl, herr Kommandant.

Hey, you can't tell me what not to tell you what not to do!

Not if they're Taylor Swift brand hamburgers! Wocka wocka.

Madonna said that about Madonna, and she's never wrong!

Also, publicly reading her nightly Dear Diary scrawlings detailing in excruciatingly minute detail her latest episode of "Nasty Mean Boy Done Did Me Wrong" to the background accompaniment of miserably mediocre music is her notion of female empowerment.

Aw, you're gonna get home and yer gonna LAUGH!!
*tosses handfuls of confetti in the air, in your face, in your mouth, in your gaping soul…*

What about Marmaduke? How do ya feel about his absence?

Afternoon coffee?! La Dee Fuckin' Da.

Me, I'm more of a satchel-sportin' hipster, minus the personal hygiene.

a: I say we dunk her in the river, and if she floats she's a witch! And what else floats?
b: A very small pebble?
a: Wrong! Hope. Hope floats!
b: Well, in that case I hope she sinks; sinks like a very small pebble.

When was it not?!!…

It's where I actually am at this very moment, nearly wholly submerged in a halved 50 gallon barrel of industrial strength moonshine, my nostrils barely poking above the waterline—the hooch line—like a marinating, pixilated hippopotamus. It's really the only sane way to be in this wacky, weird world where she and her…