“So I fired a warning shot. Into. His. Head.”

A cat that is YOUR cat is way different from any other cat, and I don’t mean that in a hyperbolic fashion. I have three cats, Vash; the old and fat one, Ichigo; the prissy princess; and Kuro the young brash fellow.

I have a group of inlaws that are racists. Since I have dark curly hair and dark eyes, I think at some point I will tell them I am part black (maybe one of the grandparents) even though I’m not just to see how they handle it. After putting up with them for 28 years I’ve earned the right to fuck with them.

I made this article into a jaunty Chrimbo song for my friend, enjoy.

I’m giving my dad a “10 Rules For Dating My Daughter” T-shirt. Which I’m going to regret because he’s going to wear it whenever he picks me up from school, a party, a game, work, an open house, or anywhere I get to interact with male non-relatives close to my own age, forever and ever, amen.

My mom lives in New Hampshire and she has this beautiful oak tree in her front yard. I paid a photographer to take pictures of it four times this year, winter, spring, summer and fall and then blow them up and frame them. They turned out amazing. She’s gonna freak when she sees them. I would post them here but…

I can’t watch this, because I will simultaneously rage stroke, defenestrate my television, and begin plans to catapult Tucker Carlson into space or at least fill his bed with frogs, but (there is a point, really) I also don’t care how it went.

In which a prissy little prig who probably wiped himself down this morning with cologne samples from GQ suggests that a far more intelligent writer should “stick to fashion.”

LAUREN DUCA IS A GODDAMN HERO.

Tucker Carlson, you’re a piece of shit. I know you probably aren’t reading this, but I had to type it out just in case you and your kids are ever on the same flight as me (if anyone has ever had the misfortune of fucking you and bearing your children)

I was just randomly searching about something else Star Wars related and came across this picture and it made me smile:

I swear to god 2016 if you take Carrie Fisher too I will find a way to conjure you as a person and make what remains of your life the worst hell you could possibly imagine I HAVE A LOT OF KNIVES AND A BIG IMAGINATION 2016 DO NOT FUCKING TEST ME

“Kardashian and Chyna’s alleged blowout last weekend totally happened, it just wasn’t caught on tape.”

I think a lot of us are in pain because she is so young, and survived so much with such grace. We needed that avatar of strength and honesty right now; we already feel so lost.

Carrie once came into a store I worked at in Los Angeles. We weren’t really allowed to accept tips for wrapping gifts during the holiday season but she refused when one of my coworkers said he couldn’t take anything from her. I think she forced at least a few 20 dollar bills into his hand, you could just tell she was…

*turns water into urine*

i live in the valley and car crashes have been SO BAD for the past week there have been at least 3 in the last week its raining and its the holidays please be safe y’all !!!! AND STOP FUCKING SPEEDING!!!!!

See, I’m picturing myself doing their dance, and that’s about the right caliber of performance to humiliate the president. So bad. I can kick to my ear, but I look like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant doing so. It would be perfect.

Though witnesses claim Teller (who was not hurt) “appeared concerned about the 2 injured people,” he showed far less sympathy for their driver. After the accident, he reportedly got out of his truck and screamed, “You fucked up my truck!” He “was so angry that people had to restrain him from attacking the Uber…