Every female sports reporter should be issued a mic with a microphone on one end and a Taser on the other. Drunken sports idiots get out of line, they get a zap to the baseballs.

My mom always told me to stay away from fast women!!! I guess because they’re liars!!!

Sounds like a new Olympic event - distance shitting. Then there’s the sprints (called the squirts) and the relay event (don’t even ask what they use for a baton).

When these two “coaches” walk from their homes to their cars everyone should pelt them with rocks until they move away.

When I’d take a walk in my large apartment complex I would always pick up screws and nails.

Is the snake OK?

Suspects would be the entire Buffalo Bills offense

I read that humans were making the calls and asking if they’d like to hear a message from the president and vice president. Maybe not a robocall on a technicality.

Did they plant a listening device? My guess is they picked one up now that trump is looking like he’s going down.

Got killed by his six tons of his preciousssssssss.

You’d call trump healthy-ish? Trump has employed a gastroenterologist as his physician. A doctor who deals with the gastrointestinal tract. Not sure you’d employ a specialist like this if you were healthy-ish. 

Maybe Russia can get the Super Bowl thrown the Patriots way? Since putin’s got trump by the cojones and for a little extra favor on trump’s part.

Don’t forget the Kevlar condom.

That color of hand is from not doing a lick of work you’re entire life. Not many of us normal people have ever seen it within the species.

Did he run home and tell his daddy. “Daddy, they were being mean to me.” (doing the uh, uh, uh trying to catch his breath while sobbing)

I feel bad for the dog - he had to live with Mike Pence for 13 years.

Golf announcer: “Look at the cabbage he’s in.”

And let’s not forget the greatest scam of all Cutler has pulled off. I’d be OK if i were an average QB or even a shitty one if I had this at home.

I’m surprised he didn’t try to cut a deal for the land the Twin Towers sat on while the firefighters were clearing the rubble.

I’m guessing as a kid Ted Cruz never even touched a football, much less knew how to throw one.