Impressive. I stayed home and watched porn.

Republicans, to one of my deepest dismays, are masters at misdirection. While we are collectively gorging on our president’s mental diminution in real time, the wheels are being carefully unscrewed in more subtle ways.

Is jaw a euphemism for groin?

Trump: “Who the hell wants to talk about politics when I’m in front of the boy scouts?”
Audience: ::Polite indifference::
Trump: “Everybody, you say? Well gosh, I haven’t told the Clinton story since 8 minutes ago. Let’s start there!”

At least he’s from Mexico and not Colombia. That should count for something

Churning lots of butter, as it were

To the Trump Administration and all associated: Brace yourselves, winter is coming...

I’m kind of disappointed in the lede - I’ve come to expect “racist Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions” or “elfin supremacist Jeff Sessions” to help me get my game face on when suppressing the urge to vomit.

That gif made my week, no exaggeration. Take all the stars

I’m not so sure what to say after this because his smile right after doesn’t seem like one of those “yeah, shucks, I know...” or “gosh, that little bugger was tougher than I thought!” semi humble, semi embarrassed smiles. It was more like, “did you just see that? I did it! I DID IT!!!”

At what point should someone realize it’s time to hang it up though? He has nothing left to prove and nothing left to gain. Sticking in a grind like public service well into this age borders on selfish and prideful

I like crusty people that don’t get cancer.

You can say that again!

How do you think that fire truck ride happened? People are saying this.

All I can ask is “why?” Why waste what little reputation you (may) still have on deliberately withholding something that everyone would give zero fucks about if national security lifers were informed?

You know when you see someone do something incredibly stupid and get punished for it somehow, and in the back of your mind you think, “whoa, I could see myself doing that exact same dumbass thing. Thanks for taking one for the team!” and then you vow to mentally remind yourself not to do it?

She must be seeing red; she really got run over in that second set

All I can think of is the Whole Foods Parking Lot

It takes a special kind of douche to get me to root for the abusive tax evader, yet since I don’t see the meteor finishing the job in 12 rounds, I gotta go Floyd.

I thought it was a hate crime when I saw “gender reveal”, and instead it ends up just being a sad crime. What a choice...