“ If you need me, I’ll be lying down, perspiring gently. “

Here is an actual picture of the bonus I got from my editors when I wrote a feature very quickly

Why would anyone do this? Bears can move very fast, possibly faster than you can close the window and speed away. The only slow bears are the ones here in Chicago at Soldier Field.

I see your bear, and raise you a moose family playing in sprinklers!

produced by the same factory as kitten mittens right?

They are the natural follow-up to last Fall’s hit smash, Cat Leg Warmers

They’re selling JCP quality at DVF prices. The shock that people who used to shop there for reasonable and reasonably-priced basics are fleeing the brand is genuinely hilarious.

It’s crazy when doubling the price of literally everything you sell while halving the quality doesn’t result in higher sales.

They also bought too much of the Kitti. It was not the best seller it promised to be, despite the adorableness of the spokeskitten.

I want more details on the fake therapist thing, if only so we can all debate the legality of it. Because that is fuuuuucked uuuuup.

I hope Fox gets sued out the ass for this nonsense.

So how many years before we have The Truman Show? I predict five, max.

I'm not even sure they could leave, given these details. I bet the contracts that were signed were illegal and coercive.

Sounds like they were really cancelled because the whole experience was just asking for a lawsuit.

Bringing in a therapist to convince them that they’re insane for thinking the producers would lie to them? Refusing to give them access to books or tv while filming is underway? WTF is this, GITMO? The only thing that’s…

Mass gaslighting? Lovely. Just lovely.

Jesus, this is false imprisonment. No wonder the contestants end up falling in love with the star, who is probably the only person who doesn't whip them when they ask for more porridge.

Mark, if you, like me, owned a dogeared copy of Bear Attacks, you’d know the park ranger maxim “a fed bear is a dead bear.” That’s because bears, when they begin to associate humans with food, often escalate to attacking humans when they realize that they’re made of meat.