As if his hands could wrap all the way around a baby’s neck.

I had a dream last night where Hillary won (thank god!) and was magnanimous to the Hairy Cheeto in her victory speech.

If he was a pussy, wouldn’t Donald have grabbed him instead of slapping him?

Checks out.

Dear jeebus, all that money and they can’t buy chins for themselves?

Donald Trump slapped his second-most slappable son, who was wearing a Yankees shirt at the time?

Do I believe they called him “Diaper Don?”

All I’m sayin’ yo.

Do you want to fuck your own daughter too?

I'm really happy that they are getting rid of the headphone jack. It frees me from feeling like I need to buy their new phone.

this is the day each year where people suddenly realize that they are violently outside of the target demographic

Her face is just so pie-able. She might as well have an “insert cool whip here” tattoo on her forehead.

I wouldn't waste a bottle of Two Buck Chuck on braising Ann Coulter.

Word on the street is that satan needed a fitting stand in so that he could take a vacation at a Trump resort.

She died of cancer? So it was a suicide, then?

Progress happens one funeral at a time.

There will be a woman president over her dead body!

You are much kinder than I am.

Bye, Phyllis.

you should always say something good about the dead: she’s dead, good.