I also love showing off my tits, although my wedding dress does not. It does, however, have a rather low back - low enough that my mother asked me if I thought it was going to be OK to wear in a church. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to subtly shame me, or if she just legitimately didn’t know what one could wear in…

There wasn’t time to do anything like photos. It was during one of those massive bridal show things and there were probably 1000 women scrabbling to get a dress and try it on. There were elbows and purses flying everywhere. We barely had time to point and laugh at me in all my grandeur with my doc martins sticking out…

I got married in Vegas in a dress off the clearance rack from Torrid.

I wasn’t referring to bridal party gifts (which I think are lovely) but to each guest taking home a gift bag.

EVERYONE is asking me what I’m “doing about” gift bags, and I stare at them blankly. Apparently the expectation is to have gift bags with carefully selected local goodies deposited in every out-of-town guest’s hotel room. Which is cute and fun and all that, but we don’t have the money.

Hahahaha!!! Too funny.

Seriously. Isn’t there some kind of international law against women having pockets in their clothing?

A couple of these brides...

Over the last five years I’ve been to 13 weddings (I’m sure I’m forgetting some) and all of them wanted “a really unique gown, y’know?” and LITERALLY ALL OF THEM got strapless mermaid cut dresses with a sweetheart neckline. “Unique.”

The one of the left doesn't do the bosom thing quite right. It kind of flattens and spreads things out instead of the usual lifting and separating.

I didn’t do any favors at my wedding. No one really cares and they tend to be useless junk (pens and pads with the bride and groom’s name? magnets? little bags of candy?). As far as I could tell, no one even noticed. It is a dumb tradition.

Whaaaa, no midnight munchies? But I get hungry when I’m drunk!

Naeem Khan does some sleeves on his other designs. They’re exquisite.

I tried on a Caroline Herrera one almost exactly like the middle one with the big bold stripes for my mom... We laughed soooo hard because I hadn’t shaved my armpits in like two months and the effect was —striking. I did not buy that dress.

I’m not an accountant, but I DO love that pant suit, and my wedding ring IS a tattoo.

I totally did notice the pockets. Finally a wedding dress where I can stash my smokes!

I’m partial to the rarely seen species Nupta volpes corneolus.

I want to be snarky but there’s a large, unironic part of me cooing over all the puffy fluffy magic.

I am an engineer and I would rock the shit out of that pantsuit on my wedding day and every day, with gorgeous nude heels, big sunglasses, red lipstick and my pixie cut.

Yeah, when did gift bags become required for any and all parties? They weren’t even a thing for kid parties when I was young. If the party isn’t for you, you don’t get presents.