I believe it still counts as a pickoff—just a very, very slow one.

“I want to kiss you, Kim Jung Un.”

Spicer: “The president has an EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE, FULLY ENGORGED PENIS!!!” *storms off*

The “Space Council” is to determine “the distance a married man must have, between him and another woman not his wife, should they find themselves dining together in a restaurant.”

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&Ms?

A lot of people say the crucifix was in, but I think he nailed it. And yet the double-A Binghamton Mets fans are screaming GIVE US BARABBAS (Antonio Barabbas, young Dominican shortstop prospect).

ELITE INTERIOR PASSERS make me start hyperventilating. Basketball’s just so much more beautiful when everybody’s in motion and the ball is whipping around.

AY DIOS MIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My cousin made it onto Season 5 and I watched that one, though they didn’t show her until she was eliminated in Hollywood. During the audition, this one kid was all “I look and sing like Clay Aikin!” and then sucked. And begged for a second chance. And sucked more. During the finale, they brought him on stage, and the…

“responding officers are being given time to “decompress” before making official statements.”

Setting my alarm for 530AM to get the full 4.5 hours of Kirk and Callahan on WEEI with the HOTTEST TAKES. It’s going to be great. You’ll get Sully from Carver with his “I have a black friend” take. You’ll get Ben from Manchester who once sat in the out field in Fenway in the 1980s and NEVER HEARD A RACIST COMMENT, so…

“Hopefully the Red Sox can keep their more abusive fans in check.”

I would say it’s Born Sexy Yesterday but tweaked a little. Twilight and Fifty Shades are all about shy, unremarkable everygirls who get fawned over by rich sexy older men because they’re so “different” from all the others.

Yes I am.

“Nobody knew that creating a music festival could be so complicated.”

Like, why would anyone try to actually scam us?

It’s because Barron isn’t his kid.