Ladies and gentlemen, we found him! Set your wedgie devices to “atomic.”

I hope this new girl doesnt wear too much makeup.

“As I’ve said in the past, I believe Mississippi’s history deserves study and reflection, no matter how unpleasant or complicated the matter may be.”

Imagine a player with the head of a very smart kind of elephant and the body of, well, also an elephant but FAST! Now imagine a man who is half goat and he has hooks for hands. That’s crazy! Why not? Why can’t I have hooks for hands and live in the sewer? I’m just saying there’s no real reason why not. Cam Newton. Tom…

He’s already got the ending to the book written in his mind:

I’d probably smoke all my pot before I got through step one.

Those lucky motherfuckers.

I’m really looking forward to the inevitable story about someone getting hacked via their Juicero.

It’s force, it’s weight, it’s length, it’s girth, it’s a floor wax, it’s a dessert topping, it does everything!

I’m at the point where I now get blindingly mad when things have WiFi connectivity. Watch that video again. In what way does this product - which is already insanely fucking stupid - need to connect to WiFi? Thank god I had the app on my phone for the juice bag squeezer, so that when I wanted to squeeze out a seven…

WHY ISN’T THE WHOLE PLANE MADE OF JUICE

POURING THINGS IS HARD SOMETIMES

My favorite is them saying that it is less messy to use a machine. Because when I typically pour myself a glass of juice, the liquid gets everywhere. The counter top. My shirt. My fucking eyes.

If that guy had invented a machine that gets the straw into those god-forsaken bags, he’d be a bazillionaire.

His lawyer is even trying to get him off on this one too!

KEWLEY: What you gon do when they find out is all fake doe.

Btw, Poppy is a pretty damn talented singer. Check this.