This was played over and over at my grandma’s funeral (because she was from Florida, I guess). It was terrible and makes much more sense in a birthday setting, or any other setting that doesn’t include a corpse.

I was being sarcastic. I’ll try harder next time to express my snark in a more straightforward manner. My bad!

Never forget, even Miss Universe was cheated on. If Miss Universe can’t keep her man’s dingus on lock with her universal hotness there’s really no hope for securing a cheat free relationship for the rest of us average Bettys. I mean, unless maybe there’s more to love and life than looks. Who knew!

Or some crap about how the easter bunny is white, even though we all know that everyone’s favorite easter bunny is totally chocolate.

Would be nice if these buttholes could just admit that the only thing that will reduce the number of abortions would be better sex education in public school systems and easier access to birth control.

I kind of hate to have this wish, just because it sounds so gross, but! Let’s hope Bannon goes nuclear and gets real, real leaky on his way out the gilded door.

Mister Hands! There was a disturbing documentary made about the whole case and specifically the farm where it happened. The most disturbing image from that movie was a pony running into frame from off camera to give a horse a blow job D:

He doesn’t get a boner for lady parts that have passed a baby through them. I’m sure he’s only sticking by her because the christian crowd doesn’t like divorce and she’s a nice show piece for him. Donny is the kind of dude who likes to pull his own pud in the corner while russian sex workers put on a pee pee show. I…

He can’t say that though because his shriveled worm of a heart truly and fully believes that the people Hitler gassed were not innocent. They were minorities. Probably a lot of bad hombres and the like. This is what happens when casual racism becomes the norm. The deplorables keep saying exactly what they mean and the…

You know he’s gorging on Fox News and has his robe on standby.

Ivanka showed everyone her boobies, Chelsea never did. Therefore the misogynist types get a literal boner for Ivanka but have nothing but hate boners for Chelsea. Until we get rid of all the boners, this is our world.

All fifteen of ‘em!

Trump is bad, perhaps even the worst, but let’s not normalize or minimalize the war crimes of Dubbya. At this point in our democracy we can’t pretend to forget the past and we must demand the absolute best of all of our elected officials. If we forget the bloodshed and the misery Bush caused then we leave the door…

He needed a church nearby so he could be delivered from his sinful, pedophile ways after he was done.

I just saw this movie yesterday and was overwhelmingly disappointed in the “exclusively gay moment.” Blink and you miss it. I walked away thinking the conservative Christians who banned this from theaters are even crazier and more repressed than ever. It’s got to really suck being that furking square.

I like to picture Putin coming to the full realization of what a clown car of asshats he tried to collude with and just sitting behind some big, stately desk breaking 1,000 pencils one at a time.

Some days that’s the only thing that keeps me sane. Bon voyage Boomers!

They didn’t think he was a wimp so much as they thought he was a lazy black man. They still can’t shut up about him. You’d think Obama pooped in their Grape Nuts the way they crow on and on. But, deplorables will be deplorables. It’s the one thing they’re all really good at.

“He’ll do better on the tax cuts.” He sure will! Just not in a way that will help the tax brackets that actually need the help. My dad is a chest thumping, Trump loving kinda guy and when I asked him about how he felt about all the Wall Street people Trump is bringing in he said “It’s great.” This of course is the…

Sometimes a Chad is kind of hanging there, useless, and sometimes a Chad totally gets mellon-cholly. I dig it.