Using cream or half and half in your coffee is an American thing. In Australia we just use milk or skim milk (low fat). I'm not even sure you can buy half and half in most supermarkets in Australia as it's just not something that really exists here. And yet years ago when I worked in a cafe in a very touristy little…

Yes. I worked at JC Penneys one Christmas season. And we were warned that people come to the store during the Christmas season who never buy anything the rest of the year and do not have a clue how to act. (Wondering how that is possible. Surely you have to buy underwear or something the rest of the year.)

was running drive thru long time ago, lady comes through and orders the number 2- $3.99. I tell her 'thank you, ma'm, that will be $41.19"

I also worked at Applebee's for a few years. Worst customers ever. My favorite was when I would ask if they wanted dessert, and they would order a "Happiness begins with dessert." Which was the text next to whatever their lava cake is called.

"Our sandwich is served with old jews. Plural. Specifically, Max and Morty will accompany the sandwich."

I work at a popular coffee house, and it always amazes me when people order a hot chocolate or something-but grab somebody else's iced tea or cold drink. (And later come back pissed off when their original drink is not only HOT, but generally has their name written on it too.) My other favorite is when people ask what…

my grandmother is the queen of malapropisms - well, and of general airheadedness. over a decade ago, we were celebrating my grandfather's birthday at Lenny's, a locally famous seafood restaurant on the shore in connecticut. it was about 9 pm, when my grandmother saw a blind man using a cane to make his way down the…

A sales girl at Body Shop once told me she answered a call from a customer who complained about the weird taste of the strawberry-smelling soap bars; they smelled so good she figured they had to be edible, but somehow found the taste weird and repulsing.

Every time I look at a packet of silica gel, the desiccant they put in jerky and suck to keep it dry, and wonder why it says "Do Not Eat" I'll think of ice pack lady.

Dumb bookstore customer time! We had a customer come in, while our awesome indy bookstore was still three stories, and ask how to get to a section that was on the second floor. A friend of mine and coworker pointed out the very visible staircase. The customer asked him, I kid you not, "yes, but do the stairs go up?"

My ongoing, eternal favorite...the customer who complained that our free sample was too small. (Coffee shop, 4oz. cup) and was not satisfied in any way when I explained that he could have as many as he wanted, but free samples came in the sample size cup.

In my teen years, I worked at a fast food place that served hamburgers. Well, I was newly being trained to make food after so many months of just being a cashier. My manager, bless her heart, stayed with me most of the evening, teaching me how to make every item on the menu.

These people were stupid, but in all 3 cases I blame food companies misusing the names of actual foods and drinks on products.

In the "I-married-a-complete-fucking-moron" category:

Polenta guy reminds me of an ex. The one that asked me to "Please eat meat while pregnant so our child won't be born a vegetarian." I, like the server, paused and waited for the laugh. There was none forthcoming. With a loud sigh, I explained that being vegetarian was a dietary choice and not genetic.

I worked for a short while in customer service for an ISP and one day this guy calls (not a customer) and demands that we call his neighbour (a customer) and ask that they disable the password for their w-fi because he could no longer access the Internet since his neighbour enabled password protection. He even…

Customer: Can I have the "blutta," please?

YAY this is the only reason I like Mondays now.

The polenta thing is hilarious but does not surprise me at all, honestly.