I will make sure to have my IV drip of insulin in when I eat them and a very very large bib.

That's like saying you're not a democrat unless you voted for Walter Mondale.

The cited article notes a 2d meeting - with another GOP state legislator - State Senate Majority Leader, Mark Schoesler. Two teens described it:

“...may have come across at too motherly...” is the female conservative’s version of the male victimizer’s “I’m guilty of loving her too much.”

She just wants to make sure that the pearls she’s clutching haven’t been up anyone’s ass first.

Yet when I ask that question to teens on the city bus, *I* end up having to walk home.

Result: Confused Bernie Sanders

Result: Hillary Clinton using a sewing machine. You don’t know much about gadgets, but that’s okay. You can pay people to do that.

It’s kind of like saying “When I’m president, I’ll be different! I will bomb the bad guys and protect the good guys. Also, I will do helpful things instead of unhelpful things.”

Result: Mike Huckabee Playing Bass

Why do people think i am a dummy. I like to color, yeah; but it makes me feel good about myself. It’s how I deal with Jerks like the Donald. I color my problems away. ANd who says Mickey Mouse has to have red shorts? Not me! Maybe George, he has no imagination. But me, I’m giving Mickey blue shorts. Know why? Because…

Betty White just bit his knee. That's Betty White, right?

Fuck you right in the belly button, Gawker Media. I am NOT Huckabee.

Hmm. Confused Bernie Sanders.

Result: Jeb Bush Flinching

“Heads Carolina, Tails California” is a goddamn masterpiece. I don’t get why it’s not more of a New Country Classic than it is. I always wanted Carrie Underwood to have a hit cover of it, but sure, I guess Taylor.

Just To See You Smile!

You forgot the part where he explained that he called his one album “Suffering From Success” because he went to the doctor since his beard hair was falling out and they told him it was because he was suffering from success.

aw, but i’ve already got a great name picked out for him, new freeland. and enslaving the native people that live upon him and making myself a king would be very... what’s the word? profitable.

Six years ago I went to visit my grandmother. I walk into her living room. She is sitting in her rocking chair. Wearing her good housecoat and a Sunday hat. Ice tea on the table. Her head bopping to I’m So Hood. That stopped me in my tracks. When she started to spit lyrics, I almost died.